Reality ruminations.

What if reality is simply a set of relationships?
There is no distance unless you measure between two things.
There is no gravity unless there are two masses.
There is no love unless there are two personalities.
We are called to relationships.
Even our God is a relationship in and of the Trinity.
Our relationships are the source of our highest highs and lowest lows.
Losing a relationship, like losing Nate, feels like a strand of reality has been unravelled.


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God is...

God is love, but isn't smothering.
God advises, but doesn't force you.
God admonishes, but never condemns.
God answers prayers, but isn't a genie.
God always listens, but sometimes it's "No".
God's timing is perfect, our anticipation isn't.
God is involved, but doesn't interfere where he's not wanted.
God loves you, and loves it when you love Him back.

Inspired by some recent happenings..

Tumbling, serene.
Tumbling, horrific.
Blackness, silent, violent.
Which way is up?
I am hurt badly,
Ani, make a noise!
Make a noise for daddy!
No, Nate was right next to me!
Nate!
Nate!
Which way is up?
Living, horrific.


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Location:Tumbling

The day has come...

The day has come.
How heavy this day is.
I have now lived more time since your birth without you than with you.
It has not been easy.
It is the hardest thing I've ever done, to live without you,
second to that is my concern for your sister.
Oh Nate, daddy remembers you, daddy misses you, daddy wants to be with you.
God, help me keep Nate alive in Ani's heart and memory.
God, give me words to help me bring Nate to life and love in Micah's heart.
God, grant me a vision of Nate in heaven.
God, grant me a simple taste of how eternity with you and my loved ones dwarfs this meager existence here.
God, give my love to my son.

Wait, what?

This was in my head last night late, even before Bob's message.

God: No, no, wait, wait, you don't need to explain. I forgive you.
Me: No, you don't know what I've done I..
God: No, you don't understand, I do understand. Dude, I know everything and I still forgive you.
Me: Wait, what?
God: What "what"? I forgive you.
Me: Why?
God: Dude, my child, I love you.

Tell me...

If you have been reading my blog, you'll have seen that there's no logical pattern to its content. I tell you though, the content that _is_ there is really me. Probably more than my closest friends would have known. It has been very cathartic for me to be able to write this stuff down, and even more so to have it be read and have people pray for me. There are so many things I wrestle with daily.

Tell me what this blog has been for you. Has it spoken to you in some way? Has it made you cry? Has it made you laugh? Stylistically, has it been decent? Has my writing style and composition improved? Have I held back where you would have liked me to have gone further? Things kinda just hit me, and I write them down. If there are questions, I will answer.

Ask my wife, I relish feedback.


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I give him up to you

God, I give this to you,
that of my son.
I give you a most treasured and precious possession,
that of my responsibilities,
my duties,
my service towards Nate.
I give his care into your hands.
This pushes my heart to its limit.
I have felt so guilty, so sad, so heavy,
not being able to care for him.
I have jealously held on to it,
and not let anyone take it away from me.
And this action has not gone well for me.
This is not something parents are supposed to do.
I consciously decided to be a parent to this child,
and I do not give this up lightly.
I do not forget him.
I do not stop loving him.
God, that which you had given me on his birth,
I find so difficult to give back.
God, give me now the peace in knowing
that you are taking care of him,
and that I'll see him again.

What hath been lost? What hath been gained?

Lord, what hath been lost?
I don't even know what "lost" means anymore.
I see movies of toddler Ani or toddler Nate and I feel such loss.
I am reminded by your word that there is a place by your side with Nate waiting through your Son's sacrifice. Down here, right now, my tears are not wiped away. My scars remain on my body and heart and the days seem so very long indeed.


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Observations

I sometimes just say "Nate-Nate" over and over in the car because my mouth misses saying it. It makes me cry.

There are times where I want to think my pain is bigger than other people's. Like "I know pain that you have never felt". I don't know where it comes from because more than anything I want to be understood.

Some things about Nate that stick out for anyone who did not know him on Earth:
o Without ever being asked, at 2 1/2 years old, he started helping me load/unload the dishwasher.

o He started helping me unload the shopping cart while he was still sitting in it.

o I could never get him to understand that as I was holding him, just before placing him in bed, when I would say "Hug and kiss Nate", that it was me that wanted to hug and kiss him. Instead he would hug and kiss me. Even when I would say "No, _Daddy_ hug Nate and _Daddy_ kiss Nate" he would still hug and kiss me first. I happily gave up trying to correct him and relished in his displays of affection and displayed mine to him afterwards.

o The women at Nate's daycare would give him the puzzles to put bak together at the end of the day because he was faster than they were.




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What choirs of Angels I hear
in just the everyday chatter
of children,
while I rejoice in a subtle
shake of the head for "No".
God, I ask you to bring back
the free flowing minutiae
of my little girl.


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I am cut

A dull knife,
a rusty knife,
my heart was cut open that day,
and left to die.
Still I remain,
with a lingering pain.
And I strive everyday
to not let it poison me.
I pray,
and try to stitch up the wound,
but still it bleeds.
I laugh,
but still it bleeds.
I hug and kiss,
but still it bleeds.
How long?
How long?


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What's wrong with me?

I hear these songs on KTIS, and they sing about the day that is coming for those who have Jesus as their savior.
Our tears will be wiped away.
Our fears will be erased.
"You see him again".
It doesn't seem to make the years ahead of me (without Nate) seem any shorter.
It doesn't seem to make the years of caring for Ani any easier.
I still feel all the same responsibilities (and I _should_) that I need to live up to here in this life.
I still have to maintain a level of discipline in managing details.
I would like some time where I could just walk around and not worry.
Some time where I didn't feel like I had to lead or manage details.
But even were I to be in that place, I would still probably think of them,
that's who I am.
I am still incredibly sorrowful to be separated from Nate, and to see Ani cry in pain.
I _AM_ happy for Nate to be in heaven, waiting for me, playing with my family that has passed before.
For some reason (probably Nate's 5th birthday coming up), it's been getting harder for me.
For some reason, the pain is just that much more intense.

So close and so far....

Eighteen inches from my head right now.
That's how close 3 pictures of Nate are.
Many many more of them at my fingertips in my computer or phone.
Why do I have this need to gaze and cry?

So close to my heart,
so close I cannot separate him from me.
His smile speaks to me from my wall.
Maybe I did something right?

So long ago...
Nearly 2 1/2 years since I last saw my little Nate.
Even typing, my heart rises in my throat and chokes me.

Not long enough...
The day is coming soon where we will have been without Nate
longer than we were with Nate.
Yes, eternity will dwarf this time,
but right now it doesn't make enduring this time without my Nate suck any less.

I am many persons...

I am many persons, living in many different worlds.

I live in the valley, fighting each day to not cry at being separated from Nate. I see death differently now, and do not fear it. I hate being separated from Nate, but love where he currently resides through God's grace and Jesus' sacrifice. I can hardly wait to be reunited.

I live on the cliff's edge, teetering with every change in Ani's condition. I am falling when she stiffens or cries in pain. I hit the bottom when she is sorrowful in frustration with her body's inabilities. I soar when she laughs, when she vocalizes in commentary. I am dashed when I get frustrated, not being the strong and patient daddy that I want to be. I live with continual butterflies in my stomach and have fears of the future, while holding on to the belief that miracles are possible.

I live in the rain, at once comforted by the sound of rain drops, while fearful of the monster that may be hiding nearby.

I live in the sky, raised up by Micah's smile, his eyes beaming with little boy confidence that comes from parents who love him and show him so. The clouds are the endless possibilities for his life. The sun warms me as I watch him grow. I pray that his spirit is as strong as I pray it to be gentle. I pray for his relationship with his sister.

I live in the stone, Nate's marker, frozen and inactive sometimes when I think about the events and decisions on that day. Cemented to the spot when realizing that the last time I saw the EBC White Bear campus was 2 years ago, for Nate's funeral.

I live in the what-could-have-been. Had something changed, would we have met those who now pray every day for us? Would people have come to Jesus still, if not for our story? Would we have gotten Micah if we had not lost Nate? What caused me to turn towards Ani first? Had I been blown into the pond with Nate, could I have saved him?

I live in the what-must-be. While I long to be reunited with Nate, I have a lot of work and responsibility in this life. I have a lifetime of learning about what it means to be Christian. I have a lifetime of motivational speeches for Ani. I have a wellspring of love and kisses for Ani. I have all of this for Micah. I have a lifetime of trying to be a good husband for Christy.

I live in the hereafter. Promised Grace that I do not deserve. Promised Forgiveness for unforgivable failures. Promised Life when I deserve infinite darkness. Promised that which I want so much, reunion.

Pick me up...

"Wah": Pick me up.
"Wah": Pick me up.
I do so,
and hold him close
and start to sway
back and forth.
He quiets.
His breathing slows,
and melts into my neck.
Pat, pat,
rub, rub.
He's safe,
he looks around.
I hold him out a little,
and smile at him,
with my eyes,
with my soul.
He beams back at me,
and giggles a little.
I love being a daddy.

Sometimes, who am I?

There are times, where it is dark inside me, when I think about Ani's injury, and what has been denied to her. There are times when all my human inequities, failings, spite, anger and fears are directed at her injury. Who am I at these times? Do I recognize myself? I fight to never let this spill over into how I relate to Ani. Ani is _not_ her injury, but it is part of her right now. God help me to trust more in you rather than listen to my own fears.

What joy...

What joy, that I can be Micah's foundation.
What joy, that he finds such contentment.
What joy, that I can be what he sees when he looks in my eyes.
What joy, that Ani loves her new little brother.
What joy, that our house is no longer quiet (both Micah _and_ Ani!).
What joy, that this new little boy feels so safe and loved.
What joy, from a little boy.
How difficult I find it sometimes to write and feel these things, while holding on to Nate in my heart.

Ani's magical night

Ani was _so_ aware and animated last night. She was incredible, this was the best I've seen her since the "incident" (still difficult to use the "t" word). She was almost "guffaw-ing" at my jokes. She was looking around. I have no idea why this is so, but I think that maybe Ani has jumpstarted since getting back to school. Maybe she is more aware that she can communicate with her friends now.

Just occurred to me...

I don't know why it _just_ occurred to me now, but as I was praying for the yet-to-be-born daughter of my high school friend, I realized that my family's experience should make me _prayerful_, not _paranoid_. My experience could easily turn me into an over-protective, controlling daddy that wouldn't give Micah the room he needs to grow correctly. Children need to test the boundaries, physical/emotional/intellectual, or I don't believe they will be challenged such that they grow correctly. Through these things we, as parents, are given opportunities to teach them God's word and wisdom.

I love my brother and sister-in-law's parenting. This past weekend, we were out camping, and we went on a hike. They let their children climb all over the rocks, and were watching, but not interfering. Watching them would "catch at my heart" a few times, and I knew that it bothered my father-in-law more than I. However, I know that they are praying for their kids, and are letting them experience the wonders of God's creation. Later that night, around the campfire, they very matter-of-factly told their youngest that it was his bedtime, and they should be getting along to their campsite. I love their handling of different situations, and pray for their "patient strength" in my own life.

"Hand?"

"Hand?"
Daddy, come play with me.
"Hand?"
Daddy, come dance with me.
"Hand?"
Daddy, let's watch choo-choos.
"Hand?"
Daddy, let's tickle.
"Hand?"
Daddy, just be with me.
"Hand?"
Nate, come get me.

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My heart is clenched,
my breath is stilled.
I am rigid, but I still think.
For a moment, I have died,
most painfully.
Still, I feel.
Though not living, it is not Heaven.
Then my grief passes,
and I am released.
Released into a world that is wrong.
Without my puzzle fixer.
Where I must myself see beauty,
incomparable to that explained by my young beauty.


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Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

I asked Ani last night...

I was asking Ani some questions last night while she was in her bath, relaxed. Whether she liked it when I "swished the water around her" (yes), at the end whether she wanted to have a couple more minutes (yes), whether she's pleased that we're now understanding what she wants better (YES), and whether she likes it when I explain words that I don't think she knows (yes). She also said "yes" when I asked her if she understands pretty much all the stuff we're saying.

Keeping him alive...

I fight so hard to keep Nate alive within me.
There are times that I've gone to bed, and I'm so tired and I kinda run through saying nite-nite to Nate quickly, only feeling it slightly in my heart. When that happens, it's a stab within me. For that moment, I have dishonored him. I am convicted. I am human. I recently ran across a video of me making a noise that caused him to giggle. I would do it over and over. He would giggle and giggle. Not having his giggle in my life makes it that much harder. Mowing the lawn is difficult too. I miss having Ani and Nate wave at me every time I would turn to mow towards the window. How almost commonplace it seemed, so bucolic. But now, that bucolic scenario seems like heaven on earth to me.
I can still hear Nate's voice inside my head. I can still remember what his hair felt like, what it felt like to hold his hand, or lift him up. He'll never leave me, but I don't like the short-lived times that I leave him.

So natural

I feel like Micah was made to fit in my arms.
His eyes made to gaze into mine.
His hands made to rest on my chest as he sleeps.
His toes made for me to nibble on.
Not like Nate, no, he does not take Nate's place.
I feel like Micah has been with me a million years,
and I know him instinctually.


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I can understand, a little.

I've read recent news items about child abductions and I've come to realize that this act represents kind of a combination of the two things that hurt me most right now. However, I don't think that it compares to really being in the situation of having your child abducted and not knowing.

I have this constant battle of "knowing" Nate is not here anymore, and the greatest desire of my heart to be with him. This is a tangible war within me, one that sometimes I only get to watch, and not try to affect either side. There's also great pain in not being able to express my love for Nate directly. I must ask God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit (or all three, don't know how it works) to give my love to him.

I also have this dread...dread about now knowing how Ani will recover, not knowing what her future will hold, that I have somehow failed in my plans to watch her discover this world and help her to her full potential. Certainly Ani has more potential in this world, just different than before, but only God knows for sure.

So, I look at these and wonder if parents of abducted children feel this battle over whether they should grieve over their children vs. holding out hope against despair of the worst possible outcome. Being held in limbo over whether their child has _any_ future at all. Being unable to express their love to their child, comfort them in a time of potential terror. Feeling defeated maybe by not being able to protect their child against something heinous. I think that I only scratch the surface here, and I pray for parents of abducted children, that they somehow can get "an answer".

Thank you Lord

Thank you Lord for helping me soothe my child tonight.
Even if it may only be for a couple hours, she is pain free.
My touch and your holy spirit together.
It's worked for Christy's pain before...
Thank you tonight for allowing me to comfort Ani.
Thank you for allowing me to serve her, I wish nothing more in this life,
than to serve my family.

Engine of peace

Oh Thomas, do you have room in Clarabelle for me?
Oh Percy, your smile takes me back to a precious time,
memories that slip even as I hold tightly to them.
Oh, treasured trains, do you mean as much to me as you did to him?
Carry me, carry me to a dream, a vision, a connection to my son.
Can you whistle a note of love to him for me?
Can he forgive me if I cry if Micah loves trains too?
Oh train, whose face is a mask, I understand that.
Oh fireman Nate, stoke my fire inside, I fear it is failing.
No need to stop for water, I've cried enough for that.
Gordon, I need help to get over the hill too.
Oh Thomas, whistle your arrival, when can I be with Nate again?
Oh my Lord of Grace, is there room in Clarabelle for me?

Ani is going in today, she's been so miserable...

Something to do with her stomach/gut is just putting her down something awful. She wails at night, and we can do nothing. Her body shuts down into sleep from exhaustion, until pain wakes her up again. She cries minutes after being fed her formula, and I tell her that "We need to give you food. We need to keep you with us". She was terribly constipated and that seems to have been relieved, though there may be painful complications since then. We've told the doctor everything that we've tried, a schedule of everything we and she has done over the last week. With Ani's better communication, I believe that she understands that we are doing _everything_ we can to help her, and that we never stop thinking of how to help her. And this helps my already troubled heart. I look at her and see such a beautiful soul, mind and body, sometimes wracked by pain, and I suffer with her. Her smiles and giggles are ambrosia, more beautiful than anything in any art gallery, or vista of nature. I truly believe that she's getting better, and I've told her so. But I've also had to tell her "I don't know when you'll get better". My faith is tested by merely praying for deliverance from pain for her, and yet I cry at her bedside. Mark Shultz's song "He's my son" rings so familiar in my ears and heart.

God, please guide us, guide the doctors, guide Ani towards a path of "peace of body" for Ani. Continue the wonderous healing you are performing directly in Ani, and through the repair mechanisms you have designed into our incredible bodies. I ask this in the name of your son Jesus, in whom we may take refuge, amen.

Critical thinking and self reflection...

Short rant...

I wish there were some required class in our school system that teaches people to really reflect upon themselves, analyze themselves, or gives them tools to do so. I'm sure it would never work out, as it really feels like political extremists (both sides of the coin, mind you) would not have you critically thinking about your beliefs and why you believe them. There are times where it feels like the middle ages where some in the church kept the populace illiterate so that they couldn't read the Bible themselves, and understand the corruption that was around them.

I hear some stuff on either CNN or FOX (they're on two different TVs on opposite ends of the cafeteria here at work), and I think: "No way. They couldn't possibly have said _that_ in that context. That would be politically stupid". There have been too many instances where media journalists have read something on "somebody's blog", and taken it to be true without personally investigating it. I then see this journalist actually passionately defending this stance that simply cannot be substantiated. There are times when I wonder whether this behavior is rooted in some lack of self confidence where if you were to question the report, it would come across as some kind of personal attack on the journalist.

I almost don't care what your beliefs are as long as you have _decided_ to believe in them, rather than just accepting them as default. I really try to listen to people, and balance what they say against my morals, and decide whether to accept or not accept their particular stance on subjects.

As Shrek said, "Ogres have layers", and so do we. Over the last couple of years (and before that, since I like self-reflection), I have asked myself "Who am I?". Sometimes the layers need to be removed through self-analysis before the reason for the layer's application can be understood, and certainly before you can see the foundational values for your beliefs.

I dislike being hypocritical, and since I'm human, I fall into this much more than I would like. I have beliefs that cannot be fully substantiated. I have spiritual beliefs that I have decided to accept because they feel right, and the explanations for which ring true with my personality and soul. I have beliefs in physics, and quantum mechanics, where mathematics is the only way to prove certain things. Some things just cannot be observed directly. I believe in people, as I have seen them perform acts of mercy for others (and our family) that simply humble me with their unselfish reasons.

New communication

Ani is starting to quite successfully use “raising her hand” for “yes”. We’ve been able to determine more things about Ani. She’s still been having stomach problems, and has been crying a lot. Rather than get angry with her about dealing with her crying, sometimes I put her in her room for a short period while I deal with Micah, and while I cool off a bit. Here’s a “conversation” with Ani in her room after I could get back to her:

• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you want to listen to music?
• Nothing
• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you want to sit her quietly?
• Nothing
• I repeated the same questions again, no response.
• Me: Ani, do you want to come out to the living room with everyone else?
• Slight pause, hand goes up.
• I repeated and she raised her hand again.
• Me: Ani, did you think that being in your room was a punishment?
• Slight pause, hand goes up.
• I explained that it was not a punishment and explained why she was there.
• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you know that I love you?
• NO PAUSE, hand goes up + happy noise.
• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you know that we are trying our best to help you?
• No pause, hand goes up.

I took her out to the living room and snuggled with her and she was _so_ tuned in to me. It was great. Christy and I are going to keep working on talking with her. She has indicated that her throat hurts a lot (probably because of the refluxing). I am becoming more hopeful.


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Afraid

What am I most afraid of?
I don't know why, but this has been going through my mind of late.
I am horribly afraid of leaving this earth, and Ani hasn't healed to the point of good communication, then getting sent to some "institution" somewhere, and they wheel her into a corner and leave her there. Ani is SO relational in spirit, that is still there no matter what. The thought of nobody expressing themselves to her after we are gone stabs me in my heart.


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Micah, Micah, Micah

I should really post about Micah...
What can I say?
He's beautiful, the same way in my eyes and heart as Nate was.
He's really a good baby, fusses when he's hungry.
Doesn't seem to care if his diaper is wet or dirty.
Loves to cuddle, as do I.
He's strong, does stuff already that I wouldn't expect a 3 week old to do.
He tolerates room-temp formula!!
He is now my "youngest son", and I love him dearly.
I have greatly missed saying "my son" to a child.

Please give me a hint Lord.

I don't know why Ani continues to suffer at night Lord...
I don't see the purpose...
I see the pain.
I see the tears.
I experience the uselessness of somebody unable to soothe.
I get frustrated.
Who is being tested Lord?
Please give me a hint.

Oh how...

Oh how my fingers remember your hair,
Oh how my neck remembers your embrace,
Oh how my ears remember your laughter.
Some people experience phantom pain from lost limbs,
I have phantom Nate pain from a lost child.

What is wrong?

What is wrong?
What is wrong with my sight Lord,
that my heart feel what my eyes do not see...
What is wrong with gravity Lord,
that the desire to dance does not result in motion...
What is wrong with my heart Lord,
that this world does not fill it like it once did...
What is wrong with art Lord,
that masterpieces do not compare with crayon drawings...
What is wrong with music Lord,
that rambling songs of conciousness defeat the humblest hymn...
What is wrong with home Lord,
that I long to be somewhere I cannot see.


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Respect without remorse???

Oh Lord, how do I remain respectful of Katie's decision like I promised and still not feel remorse for her potential change of heart?
Oh Lord, how do I remain patient when the status of my potential son is in the balance?
Oh Lord, how do I prevent animosity from creeping into my heart, even should Katie side with us?
Oh Lord, what words or actions do I give my wife, that might mitigate some of the anguish?
Oh Lord, "Micah" is now in my heart as the name of our adopted son forever, regardless of what happens, what do I feel when I see him and he's not part of my family?
Oh Lord, Ani has been excited for "little baby brother", what do I tell her?


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Excited!

I am having butterflies in my stomach as I think about a new baby coming home with us. Kinda the same as when Ani or Nate were about to be born. Not from being nervous about the birth mom possibly changing her mind, but that mixture of amazement and wow factor about a new baby.
I keep thinking about how I'm going to change my nighttime prayer specifically for him. Nate and Ani's prayer is:

Sleep well, my precious Son/Daughter.
May God watch over you and protect you while you sleep,
and may he soothe you through your nighttime troubles.
I love you Nate/Ani.

I think I'll add something like:
Sleep well, my precious Son.
May God watch over you and protect you while you sleep,
and may he soothe you through your nighttime troubles.
I thank God for leading your path to our family.
I love you xxxxxx.

The social worker was wondering how/when we would broach the subject, and I was thinking it might be part of his whole life. He'll still see his birth mom, but his path was led to be part of our family.

Tugging

Tugging at my hand, she skips.

Avoiding cracks only she can see.

My destination is in a different direction, we begin to separate.

My grip is not strong enough,

she is dragged another way.

God, architect of all things,

let my girl tug me again,

and I will follow.

Follow her to the ends of this earth.

For your earthly creations

are best described by the innocents,

and I need to see the beauty again.

Oh my Heavenly Father

Oh my Heavenly Father,
help me in my season of need.
I pray most desperately to hear from my children.
A dream of playing with my departed son.
An indication of where it hurts from my disabled daughter.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
heal me in my season of need.
There is so little in my life not touched by brokenness.
My confidence grieves my inability to save my children from harm.
My view of this world grieves the loss of my daughter's expression to describe it to me.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
strengthen me in my season of need.
Give me strength and respect to soothe Ani in her nightly pain.
Give my memories fidelity and durability to keep Nate alive within me.
Give me boundless love for our coming son, that I may love him for his sake alone,
not being affected by my grief for Nate.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
love me in my season of need.
Keep me warm when the chills of grief come calling.
Keep me upright and steadfast when trying to follow your promptings.
Remind me of that spot at Nate's side when I come knocking at Heaven's door.

Do you know this girl?

 Do you know this girl? 

The girl who wanted me to drive faster, because "there's a monkey on the car".

The girl who taught me you can love the snow because it's a "Snow Love".

The girl who always looked for the "turtle on the stick".

The girl who wanted to know when we were driving under a bridge.

The girl who loves all things about Neverland Fairies.

The girl who loves Birthday Monsters and Bellybuttons.

The girl who explained that "Flowing robes do NOT take naps".

The girl who loves Hannah Montana's "woooo".

The girl who brightens to her Daddy's voice, whose birth made me cry.

The girl who needed to wear "lovely dresses".

The girl who so desperately wanted to fit in with the older girls at Monday night.

The girl who dances with me.

The girl who can laugh while her pain causes her to scream.

The girl who neglected "the signals from her body" while she was above me on the slide's ladder. :)

The girl who thought some of Daddy's food was too "picey".

The girl who could be on the swing set all day long.

The girl who, more often than not, would have her shoes on the wrong feet.

The girl whom I would die for, a thousand times, and so much more that I could never do her justice.

I pray and wish the whole world to know Ani, the Ani still inside this "silly body".  She can fill the whole world with warmth, and I want the warmth to find its way back to her.

I deny it.
I flail my arms.
I shake my head in disbelief.
I avoid thinking about it.
I fixate on it.
I sleep.
I wake.
I cry until no more tears will come.

And still, this gulf, this chasm remains, withstanding my efforts to destroy it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:In which I rail against two years without Nate...

Where is here?

Tomorrow is two years...
What kind of reality do I live in?
It is at once a dream, a nightmare.
I accept parts of this reality
and deny others.
I have never actively denied history before.
I'm not always aware of my denial,
my heart tries to protect me.
Two years is the same as two seconds
without Nate.
I am so excited about new baby,
Lord give me new love for him,
May it never be affected by
my grief.
May I continue to smile when seeing little girls play on the playground,
and not cry over Ani's condition.
Lord what is Ani's purpose now?
Can it please be an example for faith?
An example to never give up?
Just to hold my hand out to her,
and have her run to me,
even wheelchair to me.
I pray with every fiber Lord,
Continue her healing,
Continue her learning,
Continue her joyous mood.
I love her without compulsion,
without reservation.
I want her life to be full,
when we are gone.
I am terrified that she would
be pidgeonholed or forgotten,
left to caretakers who didn't
know her before.


-- Post From My iPhone

This is what I pray...

Dear Lord,
This is who I pray to be...
This is what I pray to hear...

Daddy, I liked it when you talked to me normally, even when I couldn't respond.
Daddy, I liked it when you taught me things, even when I couldn't ask questions.
Daddy, I liked it when you helped me even when you were "frustrated with my silly body".
Daddy, I liked it when you said you knew I loved you just by the look in my eye.
Daddy, I liked it when you sang Hannah Montana songs to me.
Daddy, I liked it when you played Mermaid with me at my bathtime.
Daddy, I liked it when you laughed along with me.
Daddy, I liked it when you still took me to see Christmas lights.
And lastly Daddy...I want a parrot :)

Dear Lord, please give my Ani back her voice in all its expression.
In Joy, love, song, jokes, and even anger. I want to hear it all.

How can you be gone???

Nate, it hits me once in a while...
How can you be gone?
It just doesn't compute with me.
You're not gone from my heart,
You're not gone from my head,
You're not gone, your toys and clothes are still here.
I don't know how to wait patiently until I see you again.
I just want to see you, to hold you, to serve you.
To stop crying for one day.
To hear Ani talk to me,
To have Ani take my hand.
Nate, I remember you kissing Ani goodnight,
and thinking how loving you were here on earth.
I, with my limited earthly perception,
do not know how to just keep in mind your heavenly home.
I _want_ to cut your food.
I _want_ to change your diaper.
I _want_ to watch Thomas over and over again.
I _don't_ want your dependence on me, I just want to serve you.
Since I became a daddy, that's all I want to do.

I have seen

I have seen the face of hell.
It was black, and it roiled.
When it met me, it showed me its taint.
It tried to kill me and my family.
It succeeded with my beloved son,
but God protected him.
God shielded his mind from the terror.
God shielded his body from the rending.
God accepted him into his house, after Nate no longer had one.
God kept Ani on this earth, and I wish I knew her purpose.
I know mine now.
Mine is serve my wife.
Mine is to serve Ani.
Mine is to serve God as I am able.
Mine is to stay here and wait to be with Nate.
That part is really hard.

I touched his hair
Touched his face,
Rubbed his ear,
But they weren't his any more,
I kept expecting him to come get them,
Make them uniquely his again.
But he had left them,
Held no claim to them anymore.
I look there,
So beautiful,
So peaceful.
I've seen him asleep before,
But not like this,
Not like this.
My heart told me so,
My soul told me so.
How can this be so?

How do you approach the death of a small child?
Even now, cast into the past, my mind reels.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:I touched his hair...

Newly determined source of stress

It just occurred to me on the drive to work today, listening to "Homesick" by Mercy Me, that I feel stress because I feel like I'm not fulfilling my responsibility to Nate right now.  I want so much to be a parent to him, because he would still only be 5 years old this December, and would still need parenting so much, but I'm not performing my responsibility, obviously, since I'm down here and he's not.  I know he's "in a better place" and "I've rejoiced for you" like the song says, but I can't teach or praise him from down here.  I want so much to be with him, but I also have this huge responsibility to Ani.  I simply cannot fulfill both responsibilities while I'm here.  Since Nate is in a better place, and Ani needs so much help, here's where I need to be.  This realization doesn't really help a whole lot, as I would have to make a rational choice inside myself to help mitigate the stress.  I have to decide that I no longer parent Nate.  And this is so hard.  I love him and miss him so much, and my love for him begs and pleads to be expressed through parenting him, and I cannot.  The love for a child is simply something that _must_ come originally from God as it feels like something that speaks to you.  I think that I have to find some way to come to grips with not parenting Nate anymore, and yet never let myself forget even one little thing about him.  I also have to try to not see Nate and feel bad when I'm caring for our upcoming baby son.  How difficult that will be.

Yesterday, I ran across a picture of Nate holding a present he unwrapped.  It was Percy, the green engine from Thomas the Tank Engine.  Percy sits on my desk and smiles at me all day.

What can we learn?

Ani's friend Bella came over the other day, and I was just amazed at the level of friendships that children can have. Bella was so pleased just to be with Ani, and didn't expect any response from Ani. Bella just sees inside Ani and is totally satisfied to be Ani's friend. How awesome it would be IDE more people could see the soul and not let the "package" get in the way. It's humbling, and to be sure, not every child has a friendship like this, but I am blessed to be in the presence of it. Bella considers herself "proud to be Ani's friend". I wish I could be that pure and accepting. Lord help me learn from this.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

Why does it rain?

Why Lord, why does it rain?
Why are there drops on a sunny day?
Why are my glasses wet inside the car?
It rains at random times.
It rains when I look at pictures.
It rains when I see babies.
Odd that other people are not getting wet.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

Magical moment with Ani

I was rocking (literally twice, as will be seen) with Ani last night.  We were listening to her favorite music, Hannah Montana (told you about the rocking twice).  I was bouncing her a bit to the beat of the music, or of the bass drum, or the guitar strums.  I asked her if she liked having her body move to the music and she gave me a grin.  I told her then that she was dancing.  I said "You're dancing, you're dancing with my help".  She then had this smile so big that her face almost couldn't contain it.  It lasted quite a while.  She didn't vocalize at all, I think she was just lost in the moment.  I think also when I was singing to her that she was trying to sing along.  She kept vocalizing with a long "aaaaaahhhh", with no syllables.

Nate, I can feel you...

I see your picture, and close my eyes.
I feel your soft hair under my fingertips.
I feel your shoulders and back under my hand.
I feel your kiss upon my left cheek.
I hear you asking for a cracker.
How has it been 2 years my son?
How do I feel this tension between
remembering you like it was yesterday I put you to bed,
but like forever since I played with you?
Ani's condition reminds me every day,
and if I let it, nearly every moment I'm with her,
that you're somewhere else.  I'm reminded
that I want to be there with you.

Ani's progress

Well, lots has happened.  Ani has had her hip surgery and gotten through it OK.  She still a bit stiff and sore.  Her left knee still is stiff, and a bit swollen.  It took my leg a long time to bend correctly too.

She had her shunt surgery too.  She's gotten through that well, had a little reaction to one of the antibiotics, but she's a real trooper (and loves to hear you tell her that!).  I've already seen some improvement, the tension in her neck and eyes seems better already, even just the day after.  We'll have to see what comes.

News...

Well, I should have posted before this, a lot has been happening.

Ani has had her hip and leg surgery, and has gotten out of her cast.  It was so nice to give her a bath again and ease her aches.  It feels good to soothe her and give her some peace of body.  She will continue to get more limber in her hip and knee, she's been sooooo stiff from being in a mostly body cast for nearly 2 months.  Now for the more difficult news, we went to see a neurologist about Ani's MRI.  He came in the room with a "Understanding hydrocephalus" book.  Didn't want to see that.  So, that's the current diagnosis.  She will have to have a shunt done (scheduled for April 21st), but the neurologist is optimistic about the gains Ani might make.  Improvement in muscle relaxation, and maybe even her stomach and gut functions!  That would be nice.  The good news through all this was that I watched the MRI animation and saw NO VOIDS in Ani's skull other than the increased size of her ventricles (where the Cerebral Spinal Fluid is produced).  So, all in all, it wasn't the _worst_ answer (which would have been that a lot of Ani's brain is just gone), but it wasn't the "Well, we can't see anything wrong now, she should just pop out of it soon" answer either.  Probably the most realistic answer though, it can explain why her stomach and muscles both went south at pretty much the same time.

Now for the other big, exciting news.  We are going to adopt a newborn!  In our circle of friends is a man with a 15 year old daughter who is pregnant and due in Mid-June.  She has come to the mature realization that the baby's life comes first, and that she cannot be a mommy at 15.  She agreed to place the baby, and then suggested to her mother that they talk to Christy and I.  I have met Katie, the birth mother, a few times, and she certainly knows of our tragedy.  The baby is a boy.  When I think about this situation, I'm kinda in a dreamlike state, but unlike the nightmare dreamlike state I was in for weeks following the tornado, this is a good dream.  I am so excited, and nervous as well.  I'm not scared, I've been through 2 newborns before and have a good idea of what to expect.  I also have an incredible idea of the love I want to give to this baby.  I have such a stockpile that wants to be expressed to a child here on earth.  I pray to send my love to Nate every night too, but there's still so much left over.  I am in the process of securing an attorney for the adoption.  Last year for our company benefits, I signed up for the legal services, which turns out to be about 10 dollars a pay period.  So, for $260 this year, the legal benefits will pay all the lawyer costs for the adoption!  Good timing.

Just talked with Ani

She kept her head towards the right, towards me, with her eyes locked on my face for 15 minutes.  She didn't startle, and reacted to pretty much everything I said. It was really cool.  Wonder Pets was on and she paid attention to me the whole time.

I miss Nate...

Tonight, my thoughts dwell on Nate...
How every time I do the dishes, he should be there to help me load/unload the dishwasher.
How that time I was at daycare to pick them up, he saw me out the window while I was getting Ani, and when I went out of view to go through the door, he was devastated because he thought I was leaving him.  He was just about a wreck when I came back in his room to get him, and he cried on my shoulder.  I felt bad for that having happened to him, but I didn't _try_ to do it.  The pain seems all the stronger now when I think about it.  I hope there's dishwashers in heaven so Nate and I can work together again.

Trying out a new prayer...Any comments?

Oh God, bless your child Annika that you have given us.
Bless her with enhanced healing,
Bless her with peace of body,
Bless her with joy in spirit,
Bless her with the power of speech again,
Bless her with the ability to eat again,
Bless her with her sweet power of expression again,
Bless her with purposeful movement of body again,
Bless her with fully functional sight again,
Most of all, heavenly Father,
Bless her through knowledge of you,
your infinite grace,
and that of your Son's sacrifice,
through whom we may all dance with Nate again.
Amen

I see

Oh Nate, I see you.
I see you every day.
I see you in people, and the way they walk.
I see you in what my wedding ring represents.
I see you in the existence of life, in the brevity we spend here on earth.
I see you in the way I think and solve problems.
Oh Ani, I see you too.
In the lilt of a laugh.
In the expression of a dancer.
In the shimmer of people's eyes when they smile, in every sunrise and every subset.
Ani, I see you in my simple decision to wake up and enter my day.
My children, I see you every day because you have forever affected the way I see everything. I can't help but see you, simply because, I see.


-- Post From My iPhone

Ani's surgery 2

Ani was done and back in her room at 8:45 last night.  What a long day.  She ended up having a 1/2 inch section taken out of her left femur and the hip socket deepened by "scooping a bit of bone out".  The ligaments were shortened to pull the leg back in, and the tendons in her muscles were lengthened so her tone won't pull the ball back out.

What a long day, I'm back here in the morning.  Ani had a pretty good night, considering.  She has a bit of a fever, and is uncomfortable at times.  She's on a epidural and Valium, so the pain shouldn't be too much of an issue, but when there's a sharp noise, she startles, and pulls against the work that was done, and that is painful.  We'll get through it.

Ani's surgery.

Ani went under anesthesia about 11:30.  She has just finished having her left side leg muscles "lengthened".  They have determined nothing needs to be done on her right side at all.  They are now looking at the bone structure on the left side to see what needs to be done.  They may shorten her femur by taking a small cross-section out, they may "deepen" the hip socket to make sure everything stays in.

Updates soon.

Great news from Ani

So, Christy tells me Ani has "something to tell me" after her night-night routine. I go in and ask her what she wants to tell me. She says (3 times!!): "Ah luh da-da". Say it to yourself..."I love daddy!". Praise God!

This is what would make me feel better, at least right now.

I've had friends tell me how they've changed since our tragedy.  They've paid more attention to their children, made sure to tell them they loved them before sending them off on the bus, etc.  This would make me feel good.  Do you have a story of how you've hugged your children just one extra time because of our story?  Are you more intentional about remembering how precious they are, even during a difficult time with them?  Tell me.  It's almost like if I hear stories like this, then my love for Nate that I can't express directly to him gets expressed to other children through our story and experiences.

Poor Ani

Ani's leg is indeed bad, her muscles have pulled the ball out of the socket, and have stretched tissues not intended to be stretched.  She will have to have surgery, surgery that takes 5 hours.  She will need a cast for a while, then will need to have a brace between her legs to keep them apart so she doesn't rip the tissues again.  Christy talked with the orthopedist, and the things we have been doing, like rotating her leg out to seemingly pop the leg back in have actually been helping her.  Yay (at least for this).  It could actually have been worse had it not been for what we've been doing.  I guess it could be pain from her leg that's keeping her up at night, don't know.

Ani is so uncomfortable...

She has lapsed back into the fussing till 12:30AM again.  The last 3 nights have been really hard.  I've kept my composure at least; rationally I know she's not doing it on purpose.  She does quiet down a bit when you're in her room, though I think it's more of a "Mommy or Daddy is here, that makes me feel a little better".  I just don't know what do do.  As far as I can tell, she's in the same physical position that she's in when she's in her bean bag chair before bedtime, so what's different?  It's later, her stomach has slowed down its processing of food.  She gets 3 different meds at night, so those might be messing her stomach up.  She's a night person, so some of it might be frustration about going to bed (normal for _any_ kid) that stacks up to more stress.  We got her a Tempurpedic mattress, so that should have at least (if not better) support than the bean bag chair, at least as far as pressure points go.  I've been thinking of going to Gillette when Jessica or Ruthy is there to "mine their experience" to see if there's something that they would try if they were caring for Ani.  It appears that much of the discomfort is gas in her stomach and lower abdomen, rubbing her tummy helps a lot.  Venting her helps a lot.  Sometimes it's her leg, though we should find out today how to help that better.  When she's comfortable and rested, she is _so_ much brighter.