What choirs of Angels I hear
in just the everyday chatter
of children,
while I rejoice in a subtle
shake of the head for "No".
God, I ask you to bring back
the free flowing minutiae
of my little girl.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I am cut

A dull knife,
a rusty knife,
my heart was cut open that day,
and left to die.
Still I remain,
with a lingering pain.
And I strive everyday
to not let it poison me.
I pray,
and try to stitch up the wound,
but still it bleeds.
I laugh,
but still it bleeds.
I hug and kiss,
but still it bleeds.
How long?
How long?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

What's wrong with me?

I hear these songs on KTIS, and they sing about the day that is coming for those who have Jesus as their savior.
Our tears will be wiped away.
Our fears will be erased.
"You see him again".
It doesn't seem to make the years ahead of me (without Nate) seem any shorter.
It doesn't seem to make the years of caring for Ani any easier.
I still feel all the same responsibilities (and I _should_) that I need to live up to here in this life.
I still have to maintain a level of discipline in managing details.
I would like some time where I could just walk around and not worry.
Some time where I didn't feel like I had to lead or manage details.
But even were I to be in that place, I would still probably think of them,
that's who I am.
I am still incredibly sorrowful to be separated from Nate, and to see Ani cry in pain.
I _AM_ happy for Nate to be in heaven, waiting for me, playing with my family that has passed before.
For some reason (probably Nate's 5th birthday coming up), it's been getting harder for me.
For some reason, the pain is just that much more intense.

So close and so far....

Eighteen inches from my head right now.
That's how close 3 pictures of Nate are.
Many many more of them at my fingertips in my computer or phone.
Why do I have this need to gaze and cry?

So close to my heart,
so close I cannot separate him from me.
His smile speaks to me from my wall.
Maybe I did something right?

So long ago...
Nearly 2 1/2 years since I last saw my little Nate.
Even typing, my heart rises in my throat and chokes me.

Not long enough...
The day is coming soon where we will have been without Nate
longer than we were with Nate.
Yes, eternity will dwarf this time,
but right now it doesn't make enduring this time without my Nate suck any less.

I am many persons...

I am many persons, living in many different worlds.

I live in the valley, fighting each day to not cry at being separated from Nate. I see death differently now, and do not fear it. I hate being separated from Nate, but love where he currently resides through God's grace and Jesus' sacrifice. I can hardly wait to be reunited.

I live on the cliff's edge, teetering with every change in Ani's condition. I am falling when she stiffens or cries in pain. I hit the bottom when she is sorrowful in frustration with her body's inabilities. I soar when she laughs, when she vocalizes in commentary. I am dashed when I get frustrated, not being the strong and patient daddy that I want to be. I live with continual butterflies in my stomach and have fears of the future, while holding on to the belief that miracles are possible.

I live in the rain, at once comforted by the sound of rain drops, while fearful of the monster that may be hiding nearby.

I live in the sky, raised up by Micah's smile, his eyes beaming with little boy confidence that comes from parents who love him and show him so. The clouds are the endless possibilities for his life. The sun warms me as I watch him grow. I pray that his spirit is as strong as I pray it to be gentle. I pray for his relationship with his sister.

I live in the stone, Nate's marker, frozen and inactive sometimes when I think about the events and decisions on that day. Cemented to the spot when realizing that the last time I saw the EBC White Bear campus was 2 years ago, for Nate's funeral.

I live in the what-could-have-been. Had something changed, would we have met those who now pray every day for us? Would people have come to Jesus still, if not for our story? Would we have gotten Micah if we had not lost Nate? What caused me to turn towards Ani first? Had I been blown into the pond with Nate, could I have saved him?

I live in the what-must-be. While I long to be reunited with Nate, I have a lot of work and responsibility in this life. I have a lifetime of learning about what it means to be Christian. I have a lifetime of motivational speeches for Ani. I have a wellspring of love and kisses for Ani. I have all of this for Micah. I have a lifetime of trying to be a good husband for Christy.

I live in the hereafter. Promised Grace that I do not deserve. Promised Forgiveness for unforgivable failures. Promised Life when I deserve infinite darkness. Promised that which I want so much, reunion.