Yesterday made me think too much

On the drive to the hospital yesterday to meet Ani, I was forced to think about stuff I didn't want to think about. With no information about Ani other than respiratory "distress", I was forced (by my stupid subconscious) to think about losing Ani. Certainly before the tornado, I never thought about losing my children, and since then, I've thought about having lost Nate, and lost my "Ani 1.0", but never about fully losing Ani or Micah. My heart is so conflicted.  I'm ok with where Ani is _going_ after she dies.  I am CERTAIN about her faith, so her ultimate destination is ok with me. What I'm NOT ok with is her leaving me. Quoting Mr. Incredible, "I'm not strong enough". I pour myself out to her, I am as vulnerable with her as no one else. What would I do?  I would continue to be daddy and husband. Would it be too much for me to lose that avenue of service to my child?  To say "I love you" to the heavens for another child?  My best friend already does that. Could I?  I believe God would show up to be the strength that I do not have in myself, but if I'm honest, I don't want that to happen. 

Strangely, the day befor Ani went into the hospital, I was thinking of posts to put here to be read to Micah and Ani after _I_ am gone..

Oh how small a world...

I finally was able to get Ani into a "peer group" of middle-schoolers at their events on Wednesday nights.
She's in with a small group with about 10 other girls that are mostly her age or a couple years older.
I was able to convince the church pastors that I didn't need somebody to be Ani's caregiver, since I was there for that...
What I wanted was for her to have FRIENDS. Friends that weren't Daddy, friends that might be talking about things that she's only thinking about.
Friends that might help her feel included.
Well, I am SO PLEASED that a group was found, they had actually discussed Ani's need at an executive meeting at church, and I rolled her into her group last evening.
Then after the events, one of Ani's new friends sat down with me and told her that her Dad was the one that gave Ani CPR initially.
What a twist of life. The girl immediately texted her Dad, and now there's this connection.

Ani finds ways to impress

As part of Micah's pre-bedtime ritual, he is to kiss Ani good-night. I've been trying to get him to also say "Good-night Ani, I love you". Last night, as I was asking him to come over and tell her that statement, she raised her hands for "Yes". As Micah was still messing around and did not see that, I told him what she had done. Essentially she had agreed that she wanted to hear that, and that she too loved him. Such a simple gesture and facial expression say so much. I told him what she had tried to convey, and he said his good-night after that.

Also, during Sunday's sermon on trusting God more, our pastor was discussing how sometimes when complexity comes up in his life, his first reaction is to try to control everything, not necessarily pray about it first. While he was explaining this, Ani got this curious expression and smile on her face and gave a little interesting giggle. I took it to say "Yeah, how's that working out for you? Doesn't work too well for me".

Ani, you are amazing.

Does God "read my blog"?

"Lay your burdens at the feet of the Lord".
Am I doing that just by writing here?
When I'm writing, should I be praying at the same time so "it counts"?
Certainly I do pray anyway, but I guess it would be nice to think that it counts double when I write about it too.

Edit:Additional comment

After I wrote this, I changed my mind a little about my second statement above about laying my burdens just by writing stuff here. God knows my heart, and knows what troubles me. Just that isn't enough. I need to make an effort to _trust_ and actually try to "give up the worry" about certain things, and only then will I actually lay my burdens down. I guess I re-evaluated what "burdens" might be...I'm not called to lay down my duties or responsibilities, but I _am_ called to let go of the pain/worry/angst that they cause me. Just like true forgiveness, it does take some work or effort to do this.

Wow, what a kind of “double life” I lead.
Just last night I was celebrating Ani’s perfectly normal giggle and laugh to me making fun of “My Little Pony”, and telling her how impressed I was with her attempts to speak (she was _REALLY_ trying). I was still thinking about those actions this morning when I heard Stephen Curtis Chapman’s “Cinderella”, and I immediately switched into how much I have lost, how much Ani has lost, and I completely forgot about her accomplishments last night.