Not fair

As I look into my daughter's beautiful expressive eyes, it strikes me that her range of expression is so, so very limited. I know that she has beauty and poetry that's waiting to get out. That's just who she is. After I wad done practicing tonight it hit me that I am so blessed to have so many forms of expressin open to me, my engineering, my writing, my guitar, trombone, and newfound love of violin. It's not fair that a person whose basic characteristic was to be expressive (ask me about "song prayer" sometime) is now so limited. My heart bursts with the feeling that this world needs to hear what she has to say. That she can (and already has) make a difference for the better in this world. 

It's coming again

The day is almost upon us. Here we are, trying to decide whether to mark the day on the 25th, or on the Sunday. It will be 7 years, and I can still see Ani terrified. Still see Nate as I turned to him immediately before the tornado hit. Still feel my throat hurt as I yelled for Nate, for Ani to make a noise, for God to not take both my children. 

How strange

I just spent 10 minutes straight in prayer over......my violin. 

I am thankful that it was placed before me and how much I enjoy the comfort, calmness, enjoyment, enrichment (and even the frustration) it brings me. I even enjoy just how difficult it is to learn. This is the only thing in my life that I've had where I deeply WANT to practice and study, and push myself through the hard parts. When I play, I enjoy everything, even the exercises, and I try to make even those be as emotive and musical as I can. I see the interesting battle within me, between the complicated interplay of muscle tension vs relaxed states. The duality of me wanting to control it (and it refusing) and me wanting to let go and release what's inside me through it. When I'm playing, there's nothing else around me.

I prayed in thanks.

I prayed in marvel of this thing called music that was gifted to us in this world. 

I prayed in respect of this little wooden object that has so many aspects to it. 

I prayed in request to continue to learn and advance.  To be worthy of a new instrument and playing in an orchestra sometime in the future. 

I prayed in thanks for the amazing teacher I have that I just "picked at random". 

I prayed to be able to play vibrato someday. :)

Take this from me, please

Lord, please take from me the curse that I bear. The curse that the first thing that comes to mind when I bring Nate's memory to my heart is that of me yelling at him, and him crying. I think I've relived that enough times now. I'm so sorry about it. I've confessed to you, to Christy and even Ani. Please let it be replaced with his smile and adoration while we danced. My heart bleeds enough as it is, I don't need my own subconscious helping that.