Engine of peace

Oh Thomas, do you have room in Clarabelle for me?
Oh Percy, your smile takes me back to a precious time,
memories that slip even as I hold tightly to them.
Oh, treasured trains, do you mean as much to me as you did to him?
Carry me, carry me to a dream, a vision, a connection to my son.
Can you whistle a note of love to him for me?
Can he forgive me if I cry if Micah loves trains too?
Oh train, whose face is a mask, I understand that.
Oh fireman Nate, stoke my fire inside, I fear it is failing.
No need to stop for water, I've cried enough for that.
Gordon, I need help to get over the hill too.
Oh Thomas, whistle your arrival, when can I be with Nate again?
Oh my Lord of Grace, is there room in Clarabelle for me?

Ani is going in today, she's been so miserable...

Something to do with her stomach/gut is just putting her down something awful. She wails at night, and we can do nothing. Her body shuts down into sleep from exhaustion, until pain wakes her up again. She cries minutes after being fed her formula, and I tell her that "We need to give you food. We need to keep you with us". She was terribly constipated and that seems to have been relieved, though there may be painful complications since then. We've told the doctor everything that we've tried, a schedule of everything we and she has done over the last week. With Ani's better communication, I believe that she understands that we are doing _everything_ we can to help her, and that we never stop thinking of how to help her. And this helps my already troubled heart. I look at her and see such a beautiful soul, mind and body, sometimes wracked by pain, and I suffer with her. Her smiles and giggles are ambrosia, more beautiful than anything in any art gallery, or vista of nature. I truly believe that she's getting better, and I've told her so. But I've also had to tell her "I don't know when you'll get better". My faith is tested by merely praying for deliverance from pain for her, and yet I cry at her bedside. Mark Shultz's song "He's my son" rings so familiar in my ears and heart.

God, please guide us, guide the doctors, guide Ani towards a path of "peace of body" for Ani. Continue the wonderous healing you are performing directly in Ani, and through the repair mechanisms you have designed into our incredible bodies. I ask this in the name of your son Jesus, in whom we may take refuge, amen.

Critical thinking and self reflection...

Short rant...

I wish there were some required class in our school system that teaches people to really reflect upon themselves, analyze themselves, or gives them tools to do so. I'm sure it would never work out, as it really feels like political extremists (both sides of the coin, mind you) would not have you critically thinking about your beliefs and why you believe them. There are times where it feels like the middle ages where some in the church kept the populace illiterate so that they couldn't read the Bible themselves, and understand the corruption that was around them.

I hear some stuff on either CNN or FOX (they're on two different TVs on opposite ends of the cafeteria here at work), and I think: "No way. They couldn't possibly have said _that_ in that context. That would be politically stupid". There have been too many instances where media journalists have read something on "somebody's blog", and taken it to be true without personally investigating it. I then see this journalist actually passionately defending this stance that simply cannot be substantiated. There are times when I wonder whether this behavior is rooted in some lack of self confidence where if you were to question the report, it would come across as some kind of personal attack on the journalist.

I almost don't care what your beliefs are as long as you have _decided_ to believe in them, rather than just accepting them as default. I really try to listen to people, and balance what they say against my morals, and decide whether to accept or not accept their particular stance on subjects.

As Shrek said, "Ogres have layers", and so do we. Over the last couple of years (and before that, since I like self-reflection), I have asked myself "Who am I?". Sometimes the layers need to be removed through self-analysis before the reason for the layer's application can be understood, and certainly before you can see the foundational values for your beliefs.

I dislike being hypocritical, and since I'm human, I fall into this much more than I would like. I have beliefs that cannot be fully substantiated. I have spiritual beliefs that I have decided to accept because they feel right, and the explanations for which ring true with my personality and soul. I have beliefs in physics, and quantum mechanics, where mathematics is the only way to prove certain things. Some things just cannot be observed directly. I believe in people, as I have seen them perform acts of mercy for others (and our family) that simply humble me with their unselfish reasons.

New communication

Ani is starting to quite successfully use “raising her hand” for “yes”. We’ve been able to determine more things about Ani. She’s still been having stomach problems, and has been crying a lot. Rather than get angry with her about dealing with her crying, sometimes I put her in her room for a short period while I deal with Micah, and while I cool off a bit. Here’s a “conversation” with Ani in her room after I could get back to her:

• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you want to listen to music?
• Nothing
• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you want to sit her quietly?
• Nothing
• I repeated the same questions again, no response.
• Me: Ani, do you want to come out to the living room with everyone else?
• Slight pause, hand goes up.
• I repeated and she raised her hand again.
• Me: Ani, did you think that being in your room was a punishment?
• Slight pause, hand goes up.
• I explained that it was not a punishment and explained why she was there.
• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you know that I love you?
• NO PAUSE, hand goes up + happy noise.
• Me: Ani, raise your hand for yes, do you know that we are trying our best to help you?
• No pause, hand goes up.

I took her out to the living room and snuggled with her and she was _so_ tuned in to me. It was great. Christy and I are going to keep working on talking with her. She has indicated that her throat hurts a lot (probably because of the refluxing). I am becoming more hopeful.


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Afraid

What am I most afraid of?
I don't know why, but this has been going through my mind of late.
I am horribly afraid of leaving this earth, and Ani hasn't healed to the point of good communication, then getting sent to some "institution" somewhere, and they wheel her into a corner and leave her there. Ani is SO relational in spirit, that is still there no matter what. The thought of nobody expressing themselves to her after we are gone stabs me in my heart.


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Micah, Micah, Micah

I should really post about Micah...
What can I say?
He's beautiful, the same way in my eyes and heart as Nate was.
He's really a good baby, fusses when he's hungry.
Doesn't seem to care if his diaper is wet or dirty.
Loves to cuddle, as do I.
He's strong, does stuff already that I wouldn't expect a 3 week old to do.
He tolerates room-temp formula!!
He is now my "youngest son", and I love him dearly.
I have greatly missed saying "my son" to a child.

Please give me a hint Lord.

I don't know why Ani continues to suffer at night Lord...
I don't see the purpose...
I see the pain.
I see the tears.
I experience the uselessness of somebody unable to soothe.
I get frustrated.
Who is being tested Lord?
Please give me a hint.

Oh how...

Oh how my fingers remember your hair,
Oh how my neck remembers your embrace,
Oh how my ears remember your laughter.
Some people experience phantom pain from lost limbs,
I have phantom Nate pain from a lost child.