Do you know this girl?

 Do you know this girl? 

The girl who wanted me to drive faster, because "there's a monkey on the car".

The girl who taught me you can love the snow because it's a "Snow Love".

The girl who always looked for the "turtle on the stick".

The girl who wanted to know when we were driving under a bridge.

The girl who loves all things about Neverland Fairies.

The girl who loves Birthday Monsters and Bellybuttons.

The girl who explained that "Flowing robes do NOT take naps".

The girl who loves Hannah Montana's "woooo".

The girl who brightens to her Daddy's voice, whose birth made me cry.

The girl who needed to wear "lovely dresses".

The girl who so desperately wanted to fit in with the older girls at Monday night.

The girl who dances with me.

The girl who can laugh while her pain causes her to scream.

The girl who neglected "the signals from her body" while she was above me on the slide's ladder. :)

The girl who thought some of Daddy's food was too "picey".

The girl who could be on the swing set all day long.

The girl who, more often than not, would have her shoes on the wrong feet.

The girl whom I would die for, a thousand times, and so much more that I could never do her justice.

I pray and wish the whole world to know Ani, the Ani still inside this "silly body".  She can fill the whole world with warmth, and I want the warmth to find its way back to her.

I deny it.
I flail my arms.
I shake my head in disbelief.
I avoid thinking about it.
I fixate on it.
I sleep.
I wake.
I cry until no more tears will come.

And still, this gulf, this chasm remains, withstanding my efforts to destroy it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:In which I rail against two years without Nate...

Where is here?

Tomorrow is two years...
What kind of reality do I live in?
It is at once a dream, a nightmare.
I accept parts of this reality
and deny others.
I have never actively denied history before.
I'm not always aware of my denial,
my heart tries to protect me.
Two years is the same as two seconds
without Nate.
I am so excited about new baby,
Lord give me new love for him,
May it never be affected by
my grief.
May I continue to smile when seeing little girls play on the playground,
and not cry over Ani's condition.
Lord what is Ani's purpose now?
Can it please be an example for faith?
An example to never give up?
Just to hold my hand out to her,
and have her run to me,
even wheelchair to me.
I pray with every fiber Lord,
Continue her healing,
Continue her learning,
Continue her joyous mood.
I love her without compulsion,
without reservation.
I want her life to be full,
when we are gone.
I am terrified that she would
be pidgeonholed or forgotten,
left to caretakers who didn't
know her before.


-- Post From My iPhone

This is what I pray...

Dear Lord,
This is who I pray to be...
This is what I pray to hear...

Daddy, I liked it when you talked to me normally, even when I couldn't respond.
Daddy, I liked it when you taught me things, even when I couldn't ask questions.
Daddy, I liked it when you helped me even when you were "frustrated with my silly body".
Daddy, I liked it when you said you knew I loved you just by the look in my eye.
Daddy, I liked it when you sang Hannah Montana songs to me.
Daddy, I liked it when you played Mermaid with me at my bathtime.
Daddy, I liked it when you laughed along with me.
Daddy, I liked it when you still took me to see Christmas lights.
And lastly Daddy...I want a parrot :)

Dear Lord, please give my Ani back her voice in all its expression.
In Joy, love, song, jokes, and even anger. I want to hear it all.

How can you be gone???

Nate, it hits me once in a while...
How can you be gone?
It just doesn't compute with me.
You're not gone from my heart,
You're not gone from my head,
You're not gone, your toys and clothes are still here.
I don't know how to wait patiently until I see you again.
I just want to see you, to hold you, to serve you.
To stop crying for one day.
To hear Ani talk to me,
To have Ani take my hand.
Nate, I remember you kissing Ani goodnight,
and thinking how loving you were here on earth.
I, with my limited earthly perception,
do not know how to just keep in mind your heavenly home.
I _want_ to cut your food.
I _want_ to change your diaper.
I _want_ to watch Thomas over and over again.
I _don't_ want your dependence on me, I just want to serve you.
Since I became a daddy, that's all I want to do.

I have seen

I have seen the face of hell.
It was black, and it roiled.
When it met me, it showed me its taint.
It tried to kill me and my family.
It succeeded with my beloved son,
but God protected him.
God shielded his mind from the terror.
God shielded his body from the rending.
God accepted him into his house, after Nate no longer had one.
God kept Ani on this earth, and I wish I knew her purpose.
I know mine now.
Mine is serve my wife.
Mine is to serve Ani.
Mine is to serve God as I am able.
Mine is to stay here and wait to be with Nate.
That part is really hard.

I touched his hair
Touched his face,
Rubbed his ear,
But they weren't his any more,
I kept expecting him to come get them,
Make them uniquely his again.
But he had left them,
Held no claim to them anymore.
I look there,
So beautiful,
So peaceful.
I've seen him asleep before,
But not like this,
Not like this.
My heart told me so,
My soul told me so.
How can this be so?

How do you approach the death of a small child?
Even now, cast into the past, my mind reels.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:I touched his hair...

Newly determined source of stress

It just occurred to me on the drive to work today, listening to "Homesick" by Mercy Me, that I feel stress because I feel like I'm not fulfilling my responsibility to Nate right now.  I want so much to be a parent to him, because he would still only be 5 years old this December, and would still need parenting so much, but I'm not performing my responsibility, obviously, since I'm down here and he's not.  I know he's "in a better place" and "I've rejoiced for you" like the song says, but I can't teach or praise him from down here.  I want so much to be with him, but I also have this huge responsibility to Ani.  I simply cannot fulfill both responsibilities while I'm here.  Since Nate is in a better place, and Ani needs so much help, here's where I need to be.  This realization doesn't really help a whole lot, as I would have to make a rational choice inside myself to help mitigate the stress.  I have to decide that I no longer parent Nate.  And this is so hard.  I love him and miss him so much, and my love for him begs and pleads to be expressed through parenting him, and I cannot.  The love for a child is simply something that _must_ come originally from God as it feels like something that speaks to you.  I think that I have to find some way to come to grips with not parenting Nate anymore, and yet never let myself forget even one little thing about him.  I also have to try to not see Nate and feel bad when I'm caring for our upcoming baby son.  How difficult that will be.

Yesterday, I ran across a picture of Nate holding a present he unwrapped.  It was Percy, the green engine from Thomas the Tank Engine.  Percy sits on my desk and smiles at me all day.

What can we learn?

Ani's friend Bella came over the other day, and I was just amazed at the level of friendships that children can have. Bella was so pleased just to be with Ani, and didn't expect any response from Ani. Bella just sees inside Ani and is totally satisfied to be Ani's friend. How awesome it would be IDE more people could see the soul and not let the "package" get in the way. It's humbling, and to be sure, not every child has a friendship like this, but I am blessed to be in the presence of it. Bella considers herself "proud to be Ani's friend". I wish I could be that pure and accepting. Lord help me learn from this.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

Why does it rain?

Why Lord, why does it rain?
Why are there drops on a sunny day?
Why are my glasses wet inside the car?
It rains at random times.
It rains when I look at pictures.
It rains when I see babies.
Odd that other people are not getting wet.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

Magical moment with Ani

I was rocking (literally twice, as will be seen) with Ani last night.  We were listening to her favorite music, Hannah Montana (told you about the rocking twice).  I was bouncing her a bit to the beat of the music, or of the bass drum, or the guitar strums.  I asked her if she liked having her body move to the music and she gave me a grin.  I told her then that she was dancing.  I said "You're dancing, you're dancing with my help".  She then had this smile so big that her face almost couldn't contain it.  It lasted quite a while.  She didn't vocalize at all, I think she was just lost in the moment.  I think also when I was singing to her that she was trying to sing along.  She kept vocalizing with a long "aaaaaahhhh", with no syllables.