Paralysis

It paralyzes me to explain that Ani is paralyzed.


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Micah, I will stand with you

I hate that I have to post something like this, but I will at some point soon need to start discussing racism with Micah. The recent killing of Trayvon Martin, and this article:(http://ideas.time.com/2012/03/21/how-to-talk-to-young-black-boys-about-trayvon-martin/) has made me more aware how simply being a young male with darker skin adds a non-zero amount of threat to their lives. God give me the right words to keep Micah's self-confidence intact, and indeed, as strong as it _can_ be when/if Micah encounters difficulties. I know that my difficulties with being bullied in school got the "It's their problem, not yours" speech from my mom, but it still hurt. How much stronger might Micah need to be to use his mind and not his emotions to diffuse, or indeed escape from, much more difficult problems that I faced. Micah, I love you and I will stand with you.

Over and over I see this.

A dark monster, a scream, a terrified face, an outstretched arm, tumbling, blackness, death? The sky, a cry, then silence with screams. Emptiness, oh emptiness.

How did I miss this?

Christy asked Ani last night what abilities she would like to regain. How did I miss asking her this?? Ani wants to be able to talk again. Ani wants to be able to eat by mouth again. Ani wants to be able to see better again. Ani wants to be able to move her head as she wishes again. Ani "didn't care" about using her hands again. Ani "didn't care" about dancing again. It kinda kills me that she "doesn't care" about using her hands or dancing again. Is she resigned to her fate? Should I feel comforted that a nearly 9 year old can make this decision? I wonder...the things that she indicated that she wants back are literally in the same order of importance that Christy and I have discussed. Has she just listened to us and decided that all she wants are the most important things to us? I'm going to have to really think about this and then talk with Ani.

I still struggle with this

"In a better place".
Nate is there, but how can it be better?
My limited, and selfish, perspective can't always see this. He's not with me! I can't parent him! I can't tell him I love him! I can't protect him!
Of course he is safe.
He is loved to perfection.
He is loved with the perfect love, that of the one that gave us Nate in the first place, gave us the love to love him.
He's just not here, or is it that _I_ am not with him, and that is so painful.



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It would have been...

The pool would have been her 5th birthday party.
That would have been her bus stop, her school.
That would have been her dance school, her gymnastics school.
That would have been her piano.
That would have been her car.
I would have walked her down the aisle.
I would have held her child.
I would have said goodbye to them when _I_ was leaving this earth.



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Anger is hard to deal with

M

I know right now that some of what you're feeling is anger. Anger at the world, anger at what happened, and maybe anger at yourself and possibly others. Anger can be so destructive and poisoning if you let it sit. If you "need" to be angry, be angry at the wintery conditions that took your precious one from you. Don't be angry at yourself or others, but at something that you'll eventually realize is impossible to be angry with, like a tornado. Eventually you'll realize that anger towards something like that is just something you can decide to dismiss. Otherwise anger can keep you blind to what made her special to you in the first place. I've stopped using the words "love" and "hate" for little things...like I don't say "I love pizza" anymore. Love should be used towards relationships, and hatred towards things like injustice or neglect.


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