See me?

Do you see me when I'm made shallow? When my eyes see nothing? When I'm detached and feeling small When the music fails to sing to me? - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

For Ani

I "helped" Ani open her Christmas presents, and I really got the feeling that she enjoyed it. I can get so angry at the world for what happened to Ani. I will do everything for her, but I'm angry at the fact she's lost pretty much everything. But what good does being angry do? I let it go, but it comes back sometimes. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Micah, my son

Micah, do you notice me passing my fingers through your hair? I'm trying to burn that feeling into my hand, so that I could never forget it. Do you feel my hand on your back as you play? I want your warmth with me when I'm alone. Do you hear the tone of my voice when I say "I love you"? I want you to hear those words down deep to your very soul. Do you notice me balancing keeping you safe and letting you explore and experience? This is the hardest thing I do right now. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

If I had one "selfish" prayer answered

I would have Ani be able to tell me the following things:

I love you daddy, and mommy, Nate and Micah

I know that you and the rest of my family love me

God has asked me to stay strong

I asked Jesus to save me, I want to be in heaven

I understand that you and mommy and the doctors are trying their best to help me

I understand that my injury is not a punishment from God for something I did

I remember Nate, and I miss him

I understand everything you say

I am learning new things every day



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Micah's future

Sometimes I’m afraid, afraid of Micah growing up. Afraid that he won’t have the chance at growing up to an adult. Afraid that something will happen to his future, like my other two. Afraid that I’ll compare Ani’s future to Micah’s future. Afraid that I won’t be there to see the man he’ll become.

My child, I love you.

My child, saying “I love you” means so much, but other things say I love you too. My child, changing your diaper means I love you. My child, drying your tears means I love you. My child, telling you that you’re not hurt means I love you. My child, holding your hand while walking means I love you. My child, rocking you in the middle of the night means I love you. My child, keeping you away from danger means I love you. My child, feeding you means I love you. My child, praying for you means I love you. My child, having you with us means I love you.

I don't wanna...

I don't wanna be ok... I don't wanna walk, I want to take Ani's paralysis on myself. I don't wanna talk, I want to take Ani's muteness on myself. I don't wanna eat, I want to take Ani's feeding tube on myself.

I struggle

I struggle to be better every day. But the tornado took the best parts of me. I start with such a deficit.

Stripped

Stripped bare, naked, shivering, vulnerable. Grief and loss can take everything away. It can leave you with what seems like just the darker parts of yourself. The parts you don't want to see. It seems like everything good about you is gone.

Ani, the sunset is beautiful, what do you see? Do you see the colors you used to tell me about? Ani, the music around us is beautiful, what do you hear? Do you hear the interplay of the instruments? The story they tell? Ani, your voice is beautiful to me, what else do you want to say? What are your wishes; what are your opinions? I pray for your fixed eyesight. Even if your eyesight were fully returned, I would pray for more. I pray for joy and fun in your life. Even if I knew you enjoyed life, I would pray for more. I pray for your voice to be returned. Even if your speaking were restored, I would pray for more.

I am in anguish

Lord, I am in anguish,

I cannot forget the Ani before the tornado,
yet I cannot use her as a benchmark for the current Ani.
Why must I think of Ani as 2 different persons?
How much of her is "in there", God?
How much should I talk about singing? About dancing?
Does "never giving up on Ani" mean that I won't be satisfied until she can do what the old Ani could do?
Where would she be satisfied?
I can certainly still laugh all the way down to my heart with Ani.
I love her more every day, and tell her so.
Oh that I could love Ani as simply as Micah does,
I am burdened with more knowledge than he has.

Back when..,

I remember silly jokes, daddy requests and songs,
Back when my girl could talk.

I remember twirling till I was dizzy, pushing till it seemed the swingset would collapse,
Back when my girl could move.

I remember the world looking different, colors more vibrant, and noticing things I would have overlooked,
Back when my girl could see.

I remember the hugs, the kisses, changing diapers and brushing teeth,
Back when I could hold my boy.

I remember seeing myself,
Back when I could see my boy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

So many things Ani

There are so many things I want to show you Ani,
But some of them are no longer accessible or pertinent.

There are so many activities I want to participate in with you,
But some of them are irrelevant now.

However, you already share so much with me, love of family, love of music, etc. I promise to try not to dwell on things irrelevant, but on things that can be dear to you.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

While my...

I see my girl, and I notice she's lonely,
While my guitar gently weeps.

I see my girl, and I notice she's hurting,
While my guitar gently bleeds.

I see my girl, and I notice she's crying,
While my guitar gently suffers.

I see my girl, and I notice she's broken,
While my guitar gently twinges.

I see my girl, and I see my girl yet,
Still my guitar gently weeps.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Casual pose

Casual pose,
one hand casually draped on my chest.
Snoring squeakily, he fills my view.
My son Micah, you amaze me.
I have such joy holding you.
You are an answered prayer.
I will do my utmost to serve you.

I will be...

I will be.

I will be your voice, Ani,
until you tell me: "Daddy, it's Ok, I can talk".

I will be your coach, Ani,
but sometimes I'll make it hard so you can grow,
until you tell me: "Daddy, I can challenge myself now".

I will view the beauty of this world through your eyes, Ani,
until you can describe the orange in the sunsets again.

I will be your legs so you can dance like a fairy, Ani,
until you are nimble enough to escape my embrace.

I will say aloud: "I love you Daddy", and hear it in your voice, Ani,
until you can tell me directly.

All these things, my dearest Annika,
all these things are coming.
Here on Earth? I don't know, but I know that
you will be perfect in heaven, and you will tell me that you're all right.

My girl,

My girl, my girl,
Do you know?

Do you know your beauty?
I do.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your spirit.
I know.

Do you know your courage?
I do.
Your perseverance, your will, your never-give-up.
I know.

Do you know your strength?
I do.
Not of the body, just now, but of the heart and spirit.
I know.

Do you know your pain?
Yes, you do,
and I do too.
I know your physical pain, emotional pain, and frustration.
I know, dear, I know.

Do you know my mistakes?
Do you know my frailties?
Do you know my fears?
Do you know my prayers?
Do you know my hopes?
Do you know my love?
Yes, my precious daughter, you do,
and this is what keeps me going, day by day.
The sparkle in your eyes outshines any diamond ever found.

Nate, do you remember?

Nate,

Do you remember the time you ran away at the mall when mommy wasn't looking? We Were terrified! I had never been that scared before. We looked frantically for you. Just when we were going to find security, a nice lady led you back to us and life was livable again. We were so scared because you weren't with us and we didn't know where you were. Now though, you aren't with us, but we KNOW where you are. I can only imagine how much better the reunion will be when mommy and I get there. I miss you dude.

Daddy

CNN Story: "I lost both my boys"

A quote from a Dad down in Joplin.
I know how he feels, to a point.
I don't know how it feels to lose _all_ your children.
But I know how it feels.
In my own selfish and self-defensive way, I tell myself that nobody can know how _I_ feel.
I that part of me I ask: "Why wasn't the whole world crying yesterday at 5:08PM?"
How can anyone look at Thomas the Tank Engine without feeling sad?
My pain is deep and incomprehensible, even to me, how can anyone understand?
Then I come back.
I know that parents lose children every day.
Through accidents and through violence.
Through negligence and through intent.
There are sometimes more emotions mixed in other than the loss.
I know that even apart from the feelings of loss, there is this feeling
of both emptiness and an overflowing of love at the same time.
Your love for a child doesn't stop at their death.

When I read of parents losing children, I can only pray for them.
It's too hard to try to understand, or to extend my emotions to _their_ place.
That would destroy me.
To feel the loss of every child I read about, that would destroy me.

I know that children are special to God, and I know that at some point I'll be dancing with Ani and Nate and Micah in a big ring-around-the-rosie circle.
We'll get dizzy and fall down and go "boom".
We'll laugh, and do it all over again.
That's Heaven enough for me, though I know it's much more.

Here it is again.

It's the day.
The worst of the year.
I promise to not let it overshadow anything that Ani or Micah may do,
but it's in my mind.
It's in my heart.
3 years since I heard my son Nate.
3 years since I saw Ani dance.
3 years since we lived in our 1st home,
where we brought our first two children home.
Where they learned to walk.
Where they learned to talk.
Where they learned to love.

It's not a sin to have survived a tragedy.

I really want to get this across to someone new I know, but in doing so, am I hypocritical?
It's so difficult for me to follow the same advice...
"Why did my family survive unharmed when yours was so tragically altered?"
I don't know...Random chance...A chance to learn and become stronger?
However, when I ask myself something similar...
"Why did I survive, and my son did not?"
"Why did I get through and heal so well when my daughter has not?"
"Why couldn't I protect my children?"
Well, then, that's something entirely different to think about.
I wonder why it's so much easier to support someone else, but condemn yourself?

Now, after that self-condemnation...
I know that I'm stronger since the tornado...In ways, I'm softer too.
I was talking with Ani about the things I would get frustrated with:
- The kids jumping in mud puddles
- Ani painting her entire foot while fingerpainting
- Other minutiae
I told her I was wrong to have gotten frustrated, that those things are "fun",
and not in any way harmful or bad.
Life is so short and fragile...jump in puddles with them, point out how colorful their foot is, revel in how the things you take for granted are so big and beautiful to children.
I would give anything to hear Ani point out the oranges and pinks in a sunset again.

What if...

What if there really are random events in this universe?

One of the phrases that has bugged me since the tornado, and even a little bit before is: "Everything happens for a reason". I'm pretty sure that's not true. I believe that God does not dictate _every_ flip of a coin that I make, and that this universe we live in does in fact have random occurrences. I mean, if everything had a reason, that would eliminate the need for us to have free will, wouldn't it? If everything had a reason, then it would be possible to understand that reason, and therefore mathematically prove the existence of God. God wants us to _choose_ to follow Jesus, not be convinced by some logical means. He wants our hearts full of him, not just the logical part of our brain. I believe that the "Everything happens for a reason" is our (very human) way of quelling our fear that we are not actually in control. I mean, if we could understand the reason, then we could somehow "understand God's essential existence", and I believe that is not possible. As far as free will goes, here's an example. It's kinda hard to _choose_ to believe that the moon exists. It's right there. If God wants us to choose Jesus and His way, we must do so without proof, because it is through Faith that we are saved, not logic. Heck, even the Israelites in the old testament lost their faith even though they were confronted with visible proof time after time during the exodus. I believe that you see the "proof" of our God and his Spirit and his Son through the faith and love of others.

Added, as I think about this, it reminds me of how God wants us to be in relationships with others, and Him, His Spirit, and His Son too. I don't think you can "prove" yourself into a relationship with somebody, you need to choose that for yourself.

Micah, I am free!

Micah, I am reminded of my freedom,
and my responsibility.
My responsibility is to love and serve you.
God's gift to us of your journey to this family tells me so.
My freedom is to love you fully.
Without guilt, you take none of Nate's love away from him.
Without reservation, I can love you and be happy!
What better name could you have than "who is like God",
To remind me of where love comes from.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Ani, I get lost...

Ani, when I look at you and you have that blank look,
I get all lost.
The world starts to slip into a tunnel.
I miss your little-girl-descriptions of the beauty and mystery of this world.
Since I've seen this world through the eyes of my children,
it doesn't seem as real when I look at it all alone.
Where are you when you go away like that?
Can I come with you sometime?
I just read the book "Heaven is for real", and I cried.
I cried because it will be so awesome to be in heaven with you.

Who is Ani? I know.

A dancer dances...
In her heart,
In the images in the mist of tears that cloud my eyes.
But her body is not her own.
A singer sings...
In her heart,
In the echoes of happier times that fill my ears.
But her voice is not her own.
A painter paints...
In her vision,
In my memories of the beauty of this world she once pointed out.
But her expression is not her own.
A little girl loves...
In the subtle arm movements,
In the mournful vocalization I think is song,
In the beauty she sometimes sees,
In the smile as I move her body,
In the sparkle in her eye as I sing to her,
In the giggle when I am silly.
And her heart is her own.
And my heart is hers.

How is it possible?

How is it possible to simultaneously feel sad and happy?
I am mostly sad but a little happy about Nate.
Sad because I am separated from him, happy for where he is right now.
I am mixed sad and happy about Ani.
Sad because all the things she loved to do are denied her, happy because I am with her.
I am mostly happy and slightly sad about Micah
Sad only because I sometimes feel guilty with how happy I am with him.

Percy

Nate,
I find myself holding your toy Percy in my hands.
Absentmindedly, I am caressing it.
It is cool, not like the warm of your skin. It is not you.
It has weight, but not like you in my arms. It is not you.
I turn it on, the wheels move, but there is no squeal of joy. It is not you.
I can lose myself so easily, holding it closely, but it is not you.

Please tell me...

Please tell me if you ever think of, or talk about Nate. I want and need to know that I'm not the only one holding him alive in my heart. I need to know he's not being forgotten.

I don't know...

No, Ani, I don't know...
I don't know how difficult it is to close your mouth and stop choking on your tongue,
I only know that it will help.
No, Ani, I don't know...
I don't know how frustrated you get with me for not spending more time with you,
I only know that I pray that I could read your mind and see what you wanted.
No, Ani, I don't know...
I don't know how angry you get with your body when it won't turn on your voice
to sing with me.
I only know that every note I play or sing tells you that I love you.
No, Ani, I don't know...
I don't know how bored you are,
I only know how you seem asleep while you are awake, and I want to fill you up.
No, Ani, I don't know...
I don't know what your future holds,
I only know that I feel you have a purpose, that you are never alone, that I pray all the time for you, and that there are more people that love you than you will ever know.
Yes, Ani, I do know...
I do know that paradise will be ours when we are dancing together someday in heaven in the presence of our God, His Spirit, and His Son.

Where's the balance?

I've written about this before, perhaps nearly word-for-word with the following...

Where is the balance?
How do I balance my ongoing concern for Ani's condition with my call to lean on God?
God's hand isn't going to come down and put formula into Ani's tummy, that's our responsibility, given to us by God when she was born.
But, for my own peace of spirit, how, practically, do I have peace when Ani is in pain and I am powerless to help?
It seems selfish to seek internal peace when one's child is not at peace.

Even as my heart,

Even as my heart fills, Lord,
with Ani's minor advances,
her smiles,
her laughter,
it is draining away.
Even as it fills with Micah,
and his loving eyes and embraces,
it aches Lord.
Even as I talk with Ani about
eternity dancing and singing with God, Nate and her,
my heart is heavy.
Heavy with the pain of separation from Nate.
Heavy with the burden of Ani's injury,
and her favorite things in life denied her.
God, I pray for a glimpse of heaven,
to ease my heart while I am here on Earth.
God, I pray for the confidence it takes
to lay all my burdens at your feet in the name of Jesus.
God, I serve, and will continue to serve you
and my family to my best ability.
But I fail sometimes.
I don't listen to your Spirit sometimes,
and my failures cut me deeply.
I know you are the God of "Second Chances"...
Give me the heart to grant myself more chances.

My Ani understands.

Part of my nighttime ritual with Ani...

I say my prayer for her, then the following...
I (kiss) love (kiss) you (kiss)
*whispered* With all of my heart, and all that I am.

About the time of the third kiss, she starts smiling, she knows what's coming up. When I say the part about "With all of my heart...", she's smiling big. I've never done that part in a funny voice, I've never ticked her during it. She understands the words I am saying. God gives me little glances past her infirmity to see my Ani fully.

I miss talking to you...

Nate,

I miss talking to you, directly at least. I don't know whether my words or thoughts make it to you in heaven. I ask God to relay my love to you. I miss teaching you, trying to get you to say "Crackers, please", instead of "Cackah peas". I miss bringing you to the train museum. Mommy and I were talking about how the snow in the yard is so clean, no footprints in it, and it looks so lonely. I talk to Micah all the time, but that doesn't take the place of talking to you. It feels good, and I love him dearly, but that doesn't take away how much I miss you. Nate, I loved every minute I was with you. Cleaning up after you, changing your diaper, all of it. Micah is a happy little boy, and you would have loved to have played with him here. I don't know if he's going to like trains yet, but he seems to really like music, especially singing. I'm still trying to decide whether I'll read "Goodnight, moon" to him, and play the "where's the mousie?" game. Holy cow, you would be 5 now. What would you be doing? Anthony misses you. Would you be playing games on the iPad like he's doing? Probably...you loved puzzles. Ani is very, very slowly getting better, and we are doing all that we can to help her. I never stop thinking about what I could be doing better to serve her. I have been late this year in donating to a charity in your name, but I'll get to it, I promise.

I've only one thing to say in closing, Nate......"Cars!".

Daddy