Micah's future

Sometimes I’m afraid, afraid of Micah growing up. Afraid that he won’t have the chance at growing up to an adult. Afraid that something will happen to his future, like my other two. Afraid that I’ll compare Ani’s future to Micah’s future. Afraid that I won’t be there to see the man he’ll become.

My child, I love you.

My child, saying “I love you” means so much, but other things say I love you too. My child, changing your diaper means I love you. My child, drying your tears means I love you. My child, telling you that you’re not hurt means I love you. My child, holding your hand while walking means I love you. My child, rocking you in the middle of the night means I love you. My child, keeping you away from danger means I love you. My child, feeding you means I love you. My child, praying for you means I love you. My child, having you with us means I love you.

I don't wanna...

I don't wanna be ok... I don't wanna walk, I want to take Ani's paralysis on myself. I don't wanna talk, I want to take Ani's muteness on myself. I don't wanna eat, I want to take Ani's feeding tube on myself.

I struggle

I struggle to be better every day. But the tornado took the best parts of me. I start with such a deficit.

Stripped

Stripped bare, naked, shivering, vulnerable. Grief and loss can take everything away. It can leave you with what seems like just the darker parts of yourself. The parts you don't want to see. It seems like everything good about you is gone.

Ani, the sunset is beautiful, what do you see? Do you see the colors you used to tell me about? Ani, the music around us is beautiful, what do you hear? Do you hear the interplay of the instruments? The story they tell? Ani, your voice is beautiful to me, what else do you want to say? What are your wishes; what are your opinions? I pray for your fixed eyesight. Even if your eyesight were fully returned, I would pray for more. I pray for joy and fun in your life. Even if I knew you enjoyed life, I would pray for more. I pray for your voice to be returned. Even if your speaking were restored, I would pray for more.