"Hand?"

"Hand?"
Daddy, come play with me.
"Hand?"
Daddy, come dance with me.
"Hand?"
Daddy, let's watch choo-choos.
"Hand?"
Daddy, let's tickle.
"Hand?"
Daddy, just be with me.
"Hand?"
Nate, come get me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My heart is clenched,
my breath is stilled.
I am rigid, but I still think.
For a moment, I have died,
most painfully.
Still, I feel.
Though not living, it is not Heaven.
Then my grief passes,
and I am released.
Released into a world that is wrong.
Without my puzzle fixer.
Where I must myself see beauty,
incomparable to that explained by my young beauty.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lexington Pkwy S,St Paul,United States

I asked Ani last night...

I was asking Ani some questions last night while she was in her bath, relaxed. Whether she liked it when I "swished the water around her" (yes), at the end whether she wanted to have a couple more minutes (yes), whether she's pleased that we're now understanding what she wants better (YES), and whether she likes it when I explain words that I don't think she knows (yes). She also said "yes" when I asked her if she understands pretty much all the stuff we're saying.

Keeping him alive...

I fight so hard to keep Nate alive within me.
There are times that I've gone to bed, and I'm so tired and I kinda run through saying nite-nite to Nate quickly, only feeling it slightly in my heart. When that happens, it's a stab within me. For that moment, I have dishonored him. I am convicted. I am human. I recently ran across a video of me making a noise that caused him to giggle. I would do it over and over. He would giggle and giggle. Not having his giggle in my life makes it that much harder. Mowing the lawn is difficult too. I miss having Ani and Nate wave at me every time I would turn to mow towards the window. How almost commonplace it seemed, so bucolic. But now, that bucolic scenario seems like heaven on earth to me.
I can still hear Nate's voice inside my head. I can still remember what his hair felt like, what it felt like to hold his hand, or lift him up. He'll never leave me, but I don't like the short-lived times that I leave him.

So natural

I feel like Micah was made to fit in my arms.
His eyes made to gaze into mine.
His hands made to rest on my chest as he sleeps.
His toes made for me to nibble on.
Not like Nate, no, he does not take Nate's place.
I feel like Micah has been with me a million years,
and I know him instinctually.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I can understand, a little.

I've read recent news items about child abductions and I've come to realize that this act represents kind of a combination of the two things that hurt me most right now. However, I don't think that it compares to really being in the situation of having your child abducted and not knowing.

I have this constant battle of "knowing" Nate is not here anymore, and the greatest desire of my heart to be with him. This is a tangible war within me, one that sometimes I only get to watch, and not try to affect either side. There's also great pain in not being able to express my love for Nate directly. I must ask God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit (or all three, don't know how it works) to give my love to him.

I also have this dread...dread about now knowing how Ani will recover, not knowing what her future will hold, that I have somehow failed in my plans to watch her discover this world and help her to her full potential. Certainly Ani has more potential in this world, just different than before, but only God knows for sure.

So, I look at these and wonder if parents of abducted children feel this battle over whether they should grieve over their children vs. holding out hope against despair of the worst possible outcome. Being held in limbo over whether their child has _any_ future at all. Being unable to express their love to their child, comfort them in a time of potential terror. Feeling defeated maybe by not being able to protect their child against something heinous. I think that I only scratch the surface here, and I pray for parents of abducted children, that they somehow can get "an answer".

Thank you Lord

Thank you Lord for helping me soothe my child tonight.
Even if it may only be for a couple hours, she is pain free.
My touch and your holy spirit together.
It's worked for Christy's pain before...
Thank you tonight for allowing me to comfort Ani.
Thank you for allowing me to serve her, I wish nothing more in this life,
than to serve my family.