Wow...

Christy and I went to Mickey's diner in downtown St Paul last night. We had been there a year ago, 2 times ago when Ani had her rods lengthened. We got to talking to the cook, he had been there the last time. He kep us talking, so our whole story came out. He said that our story was one of the most heart-wrenching stories he had ever heard. Wow. Really? He must have heard so many stories, he's right there behind the counter. Maybe I should feel more depressed?

No, I think I'm doing fine.

Praying with Ani.

Since Ani said "Yes", I need to pray with her more. Last night we prayed for others with "Locked-in syndrome" (I explained to her what it meant) that cannot do even what she's capable of doing. She can laugh, others cannot. She can smile, others cannot. Pray for them and their families to be able to make _some_ connection and understand how much they are loved.

Last night's snuggle session with Ani

I got Ani ready for bed, and then lay down next to her. She was so comfortable, and it ended up being the very best session where she was able to do thing voluntarily that I've seen in a LONG time. I had my arm draped over her, holding her hand. At some point she squeezed my hand for some reason. I thanked her for it, and told her that if she ever wanted to squeeze my hand again, go ahead and do it. She squeezed IMMEDIATELY. Awesome. She was able to turn her voice on a lot, and really tried to use her mouth to make words. There were a lot of syllables, but nothing recognizable. I asked her if it was easier because she was comfortable and there wasn't a lot of distractions, I got a fairly positive "yes" to that question. During my singing, there's a Hanna Montana song (I've mentioned this song before), where there's a dramatic 3 strum pattern and Hannah (me) sings "Hey!". Usually I do the strum, then stop and say "What?" to Ani and won't continue until she vocalizes. Last night I wasn't going to stop, because she had been doing so well with her voluntary will. Well, SHE DID NOT DISAPPOINT ME! She vocalized right on time in the right spot in the song!
I have such faith in her. I know my Ani is in there. Different from Ani 1.0, but still Ani.

Micah is now older

Well, Micah has passed the artificial milestone of being older than Nate was when he died. It is still so (explicative deleted) difficult to write the word "died". There's a whole raft of emotions along with this milestone. I actually said something like "when Micah goes to college" to Christy this morning.

When did I start allowing myself to think of a positive future?

Micah's brother.

It feels normal to differentiate which brother I'm talking about to Ani.
It feels normal to tell Nate about his brother Micah.
It somehow feels odd to talk to Micah about "his brother".

I'm not going to stop.

I wasn't mentioned.

I don't know why, but I went quickly to the tornado date in Matt's blog. There was no mention of us. I felt disappointed. I have no idea why I would feel this way. I never knew of him until a couple days ago, why would he know of me? Emotions are strange.


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Just write

After reading Matt Logelin's blog, I kinda got inspired to write a little more of a daily diary, though I'm pretty sure I won't remember every day.
Christy and I were discussing grief yesterday, and how everybody's so different. For some reason, I seem to need the tears. I need to put myself back into all the pictures and movies, and just cry. Is it my need to be back in those simpler times?
I've been thinking lately about the mannerisms of some people's speech. Particularly in the area of familial relationships. I wonder why people want to use the terms like "step brother", or "step child", or even to explain that a child was adopted. That information is important in certain aspects, of course, but when I look at Micah, I see him with my heart. He is my son. Never mind that he doesn't share any of my genes, he is my son. I would rather people just leave out the "step", I would rather just know the basic relationship.
I can wish up down and sideways that the tornado hadn't happened, but I have to also admit that a lot of good things have happened out of the relationships formed since, and because of, the tornado.
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10 minutes

I don't know why, but I just googled the date of the tornado. I found the national weather report of the incident. It turns out that tht tornado only lasted ten minutes. Ten minutes. How can so much happen in just ten minutes.

Another's pain.

I've discovered a blog (www.mattlogelin.com), where a man is blogging after his wife died from a blood clot while still in the hospital after the birth of their first child, a girl. He has since written a book: "Two kisses for Maddie". I'm running through a lot of emotions and feelings that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm going to keep reading.

Feeling good again, now I'm scared.

The last time I thought my life was perfect, the tornado came. Now we have Micah, Ani is showing signs of small improvement, I'm feeling like this family is in a good place again. Why am I resisting this feeling? I know wasn't "cursed" or anything for feeling good before, why am I feeling anxious to feel happy or comfortable?


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This year's donation...

Some of you know our Christmas tradition, with respect to Nate. One of us (Christy and I) will buy an ornament, and the other will donate in Nate's name. This year it was my turn to donate. In the past, I have donated to the model train museum in St. Paul, and to a steam locomotive restoration project in the southeast. This year, I donated to KinderGartens, Ani and Nate's old daycare.

In my mind's eye, I remember greeting each child with "I'm so happy to see you!", and racing them to the door (I always lost). I know that I told my children that I loved them every day many times, and that they knew that. I just can't help wanting to have said one last "I love you" to Nate. It hurts my heart so much that he was alone, and I couldn't say goodbye.