What is wrong?

What is wrong?
What is wrong with my sight Lord,
that my heart feel what my eyes do not see...
What is wrong with gravity Lord,
that the desire to dance does not result in motion...
What is wrong with my heart Lord,
that this world does not fill it like it once did...
What is wrong with art Lord,
that masterpieces do not compare with crayon drawings...
What is wrong with music Lord,
that rambling songs of conciousness defeat the humblest hymn...
What is wrong with home Lord,
that I long to be somewhere I cannot see.


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Respect without remorse???

Oh Lord, how do I remain respectful of Katie's decision like I promised and still not feel remorse for her potential change of heart?
Oh Lord, how do I remain patient when the status of my potential son is in the balance?
Oh Lord, how do I prevent animosity from creeping into my heart, even should Katie side with us?
Oh Lord, what words or actions do I give my wife, that might mitigate some of the anguish?
Oh Lord, "Micah" is now in my heart as the name of our adopted son forever, regardless of what happens, what do I feel when I see him and he's not part of my family?
Oh Lord, Ani has been excited for "little baby brother", what do I tell her?


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Excited!

I am having butterflies in my stomach as I think about a new baby coming home with us. Kinda the same as when Ani or Nate were about to be born. Not from being nervous about the birth mom possibly changing her mind, but that mixture of amazement and wow factor about a new baby.
I keep thinking about how I'm going to change my nighttime prayer specifically for him. Nate and Ani's prayer is:

Sleep well, my precious Son/Daughter.
May God watch over you and protect you while you sleep,
and may he soothe you through your nighttime troubles.
I love you Nate/Ani.

I think I'll add something like:
Sleep well, my precious Son.
May God watch over you and protect you while you sleep,
and may he soothe you through your nighttime troubles.
I thank God for leading your path to our family.
I love you xxxxxx.

The social worker was wondering how/when we would broach the subject, and I was thinking it might be part of his whole life. He'll still see his birth mom, but his path was led to be part of our family.

Tugging

Tugging at my hand, she skips.

Avoiding cracks only she can see.

My destination is in a different direction, we begin to separate.

My grip is not strong enough,

she is dragged another way.

God, architect of all things,

let my girl tug me again,

and I will follow.

Follow her to the ends of this earth.

For your earthly creations

are best described by the innocents,

and I need to see the beauty again.

Oh my Heavenly Father

Oh my Heavenly Father,
help me in my season of need.
I pray most desperately to hear from my children.
A dream of playing with my departed son.
An indication of where it hurts from my disabled daughter.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
heal me in my season of need.
There is so little in my life not touched by brokenness.
My confidence grieves my inability to save my children from harm.
My view of this world grieves the loss of my daughter's expression to describe it to me.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
strengthen me in my season of need.
Give me strength and respect to soothe Ani in her nightly pain.
Give my memories fidelity and durability to keep Nate alive within me.
Give me boundless love for our coming son, that I may love him for his sake alone,
not being affected by my grief for Nate.
Oh my Heavenly Father,
love me in my season of need.
Keep me warm when the chills of grief come calling.
Keep me upright and steadfast when trying to follow your promptings.
Remind me of that spot at Nate's side when I come knocking at Heaven's door.