Right of first refusal

We have the right of first refusal on the 3 cemetery plots next to Nate's. Haven't thought about them, but they are going to put them back "on the market" next year if we haven't purchased them by the end of the year. How do I handle buying plots for Christy, me _and_ Ani? Just not something I want to think about, but I have to. We're going to buy them, of course.

How sad, and how cowardly I am...

I have seen children, and young people who have physical difficulties, or other special needs where I would like to go up to them and tell them that they are beautiful. I wonder, though, how this would seem for a middle-aged bald guy to go up to a young woman and tell her that she's beautiful.

I sit and ask God to tell them for me.

Maybe I'll raise the courage to do it sometime.

Jewels

Jewels they are, God,
the children you give us.
Gems polished with love,
they enrich our lives and
bring out the best and sometimes the
worst in us.
How I strive to love them as you love us.

Notes left behind...

Just read the story of Elena, a 6 year old brain cancer patient (who did not survive), who hid hundreds of notes in her house for her parents and sister to find after she had gone. http://www.notesleftbehind.com/

_I_ have a 6 year old girl. I read part of the story, and as her cancer grew, Elena lost more and more capabilities. The father was blogging, and I understand. I understand every word he wrote, every emotion, every regret. I understand that daddies cuddle and tickle as an expression of love. I understand the amazement when reflecting on your own love, and what our girls go through.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I stare,
and the world has disappeared.
Sometimes I listen,
and my heartbeat is gone.
Sometimes I'm introspective,
and wonder where I've gone.
Sometimes my world seems so small,
and I am alone.

Book

So I've decided to try writing a book. At the inspiration of Jennifer Silvera, a wonderful woman who has gone through terrible grief and hardship, I will try to get the first few chapters together and submit them to her publisher and see what happens.

Save me...

For I have heard my child wail in agony,
God rescue me from the memory of those sounds.

Ani sometimes has such painful gas bubbles in her tummy and it's excruciating for all of us, her mostly.

Ani's perspective

I miss Ani's perspective on things. It's a world where almost everything has beauty, you can love almost everything, and nothing is complicated.

I think one of the greatest gifts children give back to their parents is their perspective. Take Ani's "snow love" rationalization for example. How simple! How easy! Maybe this is why it feels like so much of me died that day. I lost Nate's perspective forever, and Ani has so few means of expression.

I wish I knew her perspective now. She can still laugh deeply. She can still smile widely. At least I know her _whole_ life isn't pain or frustration.

What I wouldn't give for song prayer or a crayon drawing.

-- Post From My iPhone