Dreams...

I had a dream about Nate last night...I think that earlier in the evening, before bed, I had thought about not remembering if I have had a dream about Micah yet. In the dream with Nate, all I remember was him running around and me patting his back. I don't remember him speaking.

Lord I pray

Lord, I see these babies with the very young mommies. Watch over them and bind them to each other with your love.


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What hurts me

What hurts sometimes is that I know Ani is "in there", and her interests are changing. It hurts to not know what they are, since she can't tell me.


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Stolen

I try ever so hard not to hate, but there are still very strong emotions surrounding the tornado. You stole the orange from my sunsets, the singing, the dancing, and the monkeys from my car. You stole my boy and left me questioning my skills at fatherhood. You took my boy...from 10 feet away from me...you took my boy! You took my courage and wonder and replaced them with fear and doubt. You are not a "you". How do I remove this weight from myself? How do I forgive a weather phenomenon? It's tough enough to forgive myself.

More than I am

Last night, as Micah came to sit on my lap on the floor to play with a toy, I was aware of my blessings. I was aware of feeling that I was "more than I am", or more accurately; "More than I can be without God". I am blessed with Christy. I am blessed with Ani. I was blessed with Nate for 2.5 years (plus the pregnancy). I am blessed with Micah. I am blessed with the challenges of being both a "Parent" and a "Carent" to Ani. I am forced to look at my childrens' futures both very differently. In these challenges, I am blessed that I must consider very different perspectives in life. I must constantly decide what is important to me, to my family. I consciously include Nate's name whenever possible. My heart is both in Heaven and down here on Earth. It's quite difficult, but I know that some blessings are just that.