I want to run, I want to sit still, I want to throw something, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to remain silent and motionless.  This is my silent battle over Nate not being with me.  I held his train near me, just now, and listened to it whir.  Oh how easily I could close my eyes and transport myself back to a time without this pain.  It was almost unstoppable, the urge to call out to him and give him his train.  Easily, the images of our old house came to mind; where had the train stopped this time?  Under the couch?  Under the cabinet?  Then I open my eyes and put the train back on my desk, feeling lost and diminished.