I'm drowning

KI feel like I'm drowning and have tried all the ways to swim, but nothing works. Then someone asks me if there's another way to swim. 

I have tried every way I know to help Micah's behavior. I've tried every form of consequence, but nothing really stick. I've asked how he's feeling so many different ways, I wonder if he feels like he's drowning too. 

I'm praying every which way from Sunday to give me guidance or give him guidance. 

I'm staying with him forever, and I have told him that many times. It's not possible for me to give up. 

Is this what it's like to be tortured?  Feeling like you're dying, but you don't?

I feel like I'm failing him in all I do. And if I'm asked for more ideas, then those will fail him too. Right now it feels like every mistake in my life, every bad word I said to a crazy driver is a failure leading to his downfall. 

I'm so sorry

A while ago, somebody told me "I'm so sorry for the pain you've been living with", relating to th tornado and losing Nate and Ani being hurt. 

I say the same to you readers. I'm sorry. Tell me of your pain so I can understand and pray for you. 

Forgive me,

Father, I made a mistake, will you forgive me?

Always, my son. 

Who is the father and son?  Micah and I?  Or God and me?

Both. But my response to Micah pales in comparison to my God's. 

Good end to an emotional day.

During Ani's nitetime ritual, I had to answer the phone. After about 5 minutes or so, Ani vocalized with something that i instantly interpreted as a "Come back to me". What joy at being spoken to by Ani! Later, we were talking about my Mom and I asked her if she remembered Grandma Prindle. She most certainly responded positively. All I did was talk with her tonight. Very little singing, and she was still happy.

My amazing girl.

What’s in it for me?

Is my faith based on what I get out of it?  Do I have faith because that’s the only way I can see Nate again?  Probably the only way I’ll dance with Ani again?  It shouldn’t be like that.  My faith should be based on a decision to follow, to commit myself.  However, I can’t shake the feeling that this is not how my decision was made.

 

I want to run, I want to sit still, I want to throw something, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to remain silent and motionless.  This is my silent battle over Nate not being with me.  I held his train near me, just now, and listened to it whir.  Oh how easily I could close my eyes and transport myself back to a time without this pain.  It was almost unstoppable, the urge to call out to him and give him his train.  Easily, the images of our old house came to mind; where had the train stopped this time?  Under the couch?  Under the cabinet?  Then I open my eyes and put the train back on my desk, feeling lost and diminished.

What I'm afraid of.

On Tuesday nights, while we're at band, Lexie puts the kids to bed.
Ani is always awake, waiting for me to come say her nite-nite prayers. I've asked her many times different ways if she's waiting for me, and she has indicated yes.
What will happen when I leave this earth? Will she still wait at night for me to have that wonderful one-to-one time with her? Will she remember the thousands of times I've said "I love you"? Will she remember all the times I've told her that she didn't deserve what happened to her? That she didn't do anything wrong? Will she hear the songs that I always sing to her? Will she be able to feel the presence of the holy spirit with her?

Will she feel alone?

I'm not afraid of passing away from here, per se. I'm afraid of the effect my absence will cause. It absolutely kills me inside to imagine her feeling lonely, marginalized, alone.

Is it possible to cuddle enough, to say "I love you" enough, to sing enough, to kiss cheeks enough, that you never really leave when you die? God, keep Ani's faith strong that she knows that she's never alone while you're with her, and that it's only a matter of time until she sees me again.