Before I was a father, children were almost unseen. It's not like I didn't care at all, but I didn't have a huge heart for them.
After I became a father, everything changed. Every baby was an example of the fingertip of God. Every pregnant woman became beautiful. I pray quick prayers for both. My smile on the outside was only a pale imitation of the hint God gave me of his love for them.
After I became a parent of a lost child...a terribly hurt child, it changed. I still had that great feeling, but then it is like the peak of a roller coaster, you're going to hit the bottom soon. At the bottom, I can feel the pain of: "I wish my daughter could speak or move", "I wish my son were still here so I could smell his hair again". Depending on how much the child reminds me of Nate or Ani will make the intensity of the low point easier or harder. I guess it doesn't happen with every child, or with kids I've gotten to know, but there is one that seems to get me all the time. My great nephew Ben. Seeing Emily's son is always very hard, since he and Nate were born so close together. I am somewhat ashamed at the way I can't control my reaction.
I hope, on the outside at least, that my smile continues through the bottom of the roller coaster when I see some babies.
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