Gone is impossible

 My son. How can you just be gone?  My tears have never stopped, so you must be with me somehow. This life prevents me from truly imagining what being in heaven with you will be like. Come to my dreams please. I’ve only dreamt about you once in 18 years. I’m due for another. I had a dream about Ani last night. It was from before the tornado, and I was picking her up from somewhere and I told her I was so glad to see her. She said she was glad to see me too. Just the “sound” of her voice in a dream was so awesome. Please visit me. 

Prisoner

I am a prisoner in a jail where I am the guard.  

David

 Where did David's enemies come from?  Were they external?  Internal?  Were they, through action or inaction, a product of his choices?  I am beset, and the only visible path is one of pain and sorrow.  Pray in general for me and my family.  Pray the Lord smiles upon us.  There is a road that we must walk, overgrown and thorny, and the destination is not one we would have hoped for.  Please pray for strength and endurance and ongoing faith that the Lord walks alongside us.

How did you find me or this blog?

I know that I haven't posted in a long time, but as I've recently looked at the statistics, I've learned that I have nearly 68000 views!

I know that I haven't shared my blog site to enough people to have created that many views, and certainly not to people all over the world!

So, please tell me how you've found this blog, if you've searched for "Father's grief" or something like that, or I've invited you.

I'm so curious!!

Jerry

This hit me hard tonight

 I was talking to Ani while getting her ready for bed, and I stumbled upon the subject of whether Ani ever thought of becoming a Mommy. I know Christy has thought of it since she was a little girl, no older than Ani was when she got hurt. I asked if she had ever dreamed of babies. Then I said “Your babies would have been beautiful”.  Then everything crashed down. The enormity of what I had just said hit me and I started crying and saying it over again. The loss of possible futures is also grieved. Ani was an amazingly beautiful baby, and has she had the opportunity to have her own, they would have been beautiful also. 

Gift from Ani

 I was just given the most amazing gift from Ani.

I was telling her how much I love her and that I want to live with her as long as I can on this earth.  Also that I never knew how much I could love a child before I became a parent.

She gave me the biggest YES and smile and look of Joy I remember seeing, giving me the impression that she understands and loves me so much back.

Then,

I asked her if there was ever a time where I did not tell her I love her as many times as she wanted.  She gave me an immediate and big NO.

What better gift could you get from your child?

Revelation

 So, I've been playing this one game where there's been a zombie outbreak.  Of the two main characters, one is Joel.  He had a 13 or 14 year old daughter when the outbreak began.  She died during the initial outbreak.  Joel has never gotten over that or faced that reality (what kind of story would it be where everybody was emotionally healthy?).  The crux of the story is that Joel must take a young woman of 13 or 14 (similarity?) who has an immunity to the zombie "virus" to a medical center where they will try and make a vaccine.  Joel is not comfortable with this, and doesn't see that the similarity of this young woman to his lost daughter is causing him issues.  So, me, who has lost a child and is still dealing with that loss, has a chance to protect this young woman from danger and harm.  Even though it's a very violent game that I don't usually like, I've played through this game full out like 4 times.  However, as I was just talking to Ani tonight, it struck me like a thunderclap.  This young woman's name in the game is Ellie.  Have I been playing this game so much because unconsciously I've been equating Ellie with Ani?

Poem

 Ani,

Your smile could charm kings.

Your laugh could soothe hurricanes.

Your eyes could write a million love songs.

Your soul could lift all of earth out of a funk.

A visitor at the gravesite on the 14th anniversary

 While we were cleaning up Nate's marker and the trains around his marker, a lady came up to us.  She knew of our story and told us that her parents and lots of her family are buried in that cemetery.  She said she visits her parents' gravesite often, but also comes with her grandkids, and they visit Nate's site too.  Her grandkids have asked how such a young child could die.  Obviously a very difficult question to answer.  She showed great courage and sympathy to come over and talk with us.  I told her the story about how the CP employees sent a train engine out during Nate's burial.  She says that she hears the trains start up all the time at 5AM.  She lives very close to the cemetery, and the tracks are very near to Nate's gravesite.  She also said that one of her grandkids left a little toy Jeep to sit with all the trains that are all around Nate's marker.  Incredible that our story continues to affect people to this day.

14th anniversary poem

 Nate,

Where does my love go when I tell you I love you?

Does it kiss your cheek like a breeze, or does it echo in an airless void?

Where do my tears for you go?

Do they whisper to you as a brook, or sweep past you as a current?

My aching for you…

Do you feel my heart reaching for you?  Or am I grasping at empty air?

My faith says my words go to God, but my doubts and insecurities blind me.

 The grief of a child?

The grief came back as an avalanche as I was driving tonight.

I have been thinking about who else has suffered with us through our grief.

I had someone in mind to write about, and I will, but they are not the cause of the flood.

I was thinking about how I have taken Ani back to her old daycare to visit a couple of times.

Then I thought about Nate’s care givers there….I don’t know if they were invited to the funeral.

Then it hit me.

What about Nate’s friends there?

I know he was only 2 1/2, but they create friendships.

In a moment, my mind tried to comprehend the confusion and sadness of a child hearing that Nate will never come back again.

Combine that with my own feelings about Nate never coming back, and I just tumbled downwards.

My stomach dropped and I was shaken to my core.

Talking about it with Roger helped, but it is still coming back to me.

This will pass at some point too, but the confused sadness of a child is something that my heart and mind can’t take.

 A singsong day

Pastels lazy in the sky

Strangers who are not yet friends

A twirl and flip from unconstrained joy

Cuddles and quiet hugs

Princesses with birthdays

Now you know my daughter

What is the depth of my heart?

How much can I love?

Before my daughter was born,

I thought love could be measured. 

I thought love came from a finite heart. 

Ani proved me wrong. 

When she was born, a spark exploded.

It lit up a bottomless well. 

I cannot explain my love for my children

to myself, much less explain it to them. 

When you love, you allow yourself to be vulnerable. 

Vulnerable to incredible joy and sometimes 

incredible sadness. 

My children, regardless of where they are, keep my heart going. 

 Some updates:

I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize.  The "Covid season" has done a number on all of us.  We are all fine over here.  Christy, Ani and I are fully vaccinated, and we are so happy that Ani is protected.

Ani is back in school and loving the socializing.  She misses her friends so much, though she did get to see her friends through Zoom and such.  Her friends are so important to her.  We just had a status zoom meeting with her teachers at high school.  One of them is the girls choir director.  She says that Ani is SOOO happy to be in the group, and the other singers are really happy that Ani is enjoying herself.  I love the bonds that can be made even when communication (verbal) is difficult.

Micah is in a boys team in his gymnastics gym. Their team took 3rd in state this year!  Very proud that he has the focus and drive and enjoyment for this activity.

I am working from home and have been blessed to work on a medical device that treats Covid patients.  I have worked on a couple of Emergency Use Authorizations for the FDA for more treatment options for Covid patients.

Christy is working from home also, and is still working as a speech therapist as much as she can while working through Zoom.

When the world makes sense

Darkness in my eyes

My son beside me, on my arm

Trusting, he sleeps

The world is small and warm and peaceful

A Memorial Day poem

A thin sheet of ice melts in the spring uncovering an upheaval of wild currents. Churning and swirling, they grab and pull you down. Tears flood over the banks.  Calmness never returns, but an equilibrium is found within the maelstrom. 

A new world

A new world is forming around us.

Above us, falling about us like snow.

At times, you see the world you know past the snowfall.

Then you look down and see that the world has changed.

You think the world may never return to your memory’s version.

The fear and uncertainty clouds you into thinking this new world is a dream

A dream not worth remembering, not worth seeing.

A dream that is nonetheless something to be respected and obeyed.

At least until the dream of spring is no longer a dream.

Where the world of our memory returns.

Poem about Ani

Take the love from my heart,

shine a sunrise on it. 

There you’ll see my daughter. 

Greater than the expanse

of the night sky with its stars,

is her importance to me. 

Her love and spirituality humbles me,

that I should be her father. 

Whither my guilt Lord?

May it affect me in ways unknown?

Do I question myself in light of that guilt?

Do I express this unknowingly?

I’m sorry to those I hurt wrongly. 

Who knows all their demons. 

God only knows our unknown motivations. 

Whither my anxiety?

Is it strangely driven here?

What do I release to you?

What do I cling to wrongly?

Sir,

Yes, you, talking to your daughter between dance classes. 

Do you see how big you are in her eyes?

What if she couldn’t see you?

Do you notice her hanging on your words?

Do you notice her side of the conversation?

What if she couldn’t speak to you?

Do you know the impact of your attention on her?

What if she couldn’t dance?

What if she couldn’t respond?

From the little I’ve seen, your love wouldn’t change.