Time hasn't healed, yet...

Over the 4 months since Nate was with us, the pain hasn't dulled, if anything it has become more acute.  I am SO aware that his voice and stomping around is not with us.  I get to hear Ani vocalize and laugh, so that makes it better when dealing with what happened to her.  I am aware of just how very long it has been since I have seen Nate, heard Nate, played with Nate and held Nate.  Oh how I miss that smile and sparkle.  I get a little bit of it from the picture on the mantle, but that's bittersweet.  I often see little boys at the church child care area that look like Nate or remind me of him.  It makes me miss how he would press the elevator button to open the doors, or how he would stomp in the puddles, or how we would all walk hand-in-hand out of church.  I have that image in my mind, but I'm afraid that it will fade.  How I wish that we would have taken a picture of us walking together.  Nate loved Ani and Ani loved Nate.  How weak I feel when the reality of Nate in my heart needs some "back-up" by pictures.  Yeah, I know, I'm only human, but my memories of Nate and love for him are about the most important things that I have now that are so difficult to manage.  My feelings of loyalty to Ani and Christy and God are the most important things that I keep close.  Family is so important too.